Anxiety looks like my hands.
Sort of gross, if we’re being honest.
Im pulling it, even when my body is telling me to stop.
Jordan Whitfield
Even when it appears someone popped a pack of red Gushers all over my fingers.
I cant stop because Im anxious about something utterly out of my control.
Whatever the reason, I cant relax.
I cant just take a deep breath and let it all wash away.
I cant do what my yoga teacher tells me to do.
Because my anxiety has me in a chokehold.
Jordan Whitfield
So instead, I pick at my skin, my nails, my cuticles, whatever.
Picking is in my control.
Anxiety isnt cute.
Its not Zooey Deschanel inNew Girl.
Its not being quirky or playing the ukelele while nervously giggling.
Its not checking your phone and turning to your cat to melodramatically say, BLERGH!
Will they ever text me back???
Its driving me nuts!!!
Anxiety looks like my hands.
Sort of gross, if were being honest.
Plenty about me could qualify as cute!
I think my heart is cute.
The way I care.
My softness and emotional availability is probably cute.
My oversizedHey Arnold!shirt.
All this stuff, relatively cute.
That bitch is downright ugly.
Its me, there, frozen for literally NO REASON I can logically explain.
Just a bad feeling.
Just some system of alarms going off in my brain and I cant find the off switch.
Everyone experiences anxiety occasionally.
Its like getting sad.
These are all universal feelings.
These are things everyone understands, to some extent.
Yeah, you get anxious before a job interview.
You get anxious when someone says, Can we talk about something later?
You get anxious when theres a huge life change.
But living with an anxiety disorder is different.
Theres no cause it’s possible for you to point to.
Like, duh,of courseyoure going to be anxious before a job interview.
Thats a big deal!
And this is where the Zooey Deschanel character enters.
This is the new face of anxiety.
Maybe shes born with it.
Maybe its hair flip anxiety.
Thats not what I am.
Thats not what my anxiety looks like.
It doesnt end when the 30 minute sitcom concludes.
Its not tied up neatly.
And for me, medication helps curb some of the issues from my anxiety disorder.
Because nothing is ever perfectly, magically healed.
Thats just not how this stuff works.
Anxiety is not an identity for viral consumption.
Its not for likes or praise.
There are tons of articles trying to turn it into something sweet.
Anxiety fucking sucks.
And for some reason, people want to chameleon themselves into an anxiety sufferer.
They want to cry out, Im SOOOO nervous about this date Im going on!
Im such an anxious person!
and have you applaud them.
At its worst, anxiety can feel like death.
At its best, anxiety feels like a cramping stomach.
Thats not cute at all.
Its something I actively work against every single day.
Andthatswhat you should applaud.
