But here I am, drunk on a Sunday, in the bath, thinking about him.
And Im certain hes not thinking of me.
It seems Im always doing this.
Drew Wilson
Looking for something to feel.
Chasing something to fill up the hollow.
When I was eleven, I couldnt stand the white walls in my bedroom anymore.
I begged my parents to let me pain them, I settled for a metallic gold.
I just wanted some color.
I just wanted to splatter them bright.
When that didnt do the trick, I settled for scarlet on white, something a little more tangible.
I remember the way it felt balmy dripping down my skin like lukewarm coffee.
Im not proud of it.
I have the scars to remind me.
I just get so alone, sometimes.
Loneliness has always been my most faithful lover.
Nobody knows me like Loneliness knows me, and nobody has ever held me as tight as she.
But, Im a little tired of having her here.
I am so exhausted.
Im so exhausted of hiding.
It makes me think of him, I never want to hide when Im with him.
I love how it feels, I want him to open up and see everything.
Im thinking of him, and I really wish I wasnt.
He makes me feel like who I really am underneath all of that.
But here I am, drunk on a Sunday, in the bath, thinking about him.
And Im certain hes not thinking of me.
Sometimes it really feels like I may not wake up tomorrow.
Sometimes Im okay with it.
But here I am, the thing bothering me the most is him.
I laugh, because Im really that big of a mess, shake my head, down the glass.
Meg Myers is singingDesirein the background.
The water is still hot.
The bubbles, though, have been disappearing into thin air.
I think about what it would be like to go with them.
But Meg Myers is pulling me back into the now.
And goddamn, I really am such a mess.
This song, it just does something to me.
Like her, I just want someone to come and fucking feed me.
The water is still stifling, but Ive got the chills.
Im reaching down further to where it aches the most.
Im moving my fingers the way only I can.
Im going harder, and when I find that release, I know Ill be here to see tomorrow.
Either way, Im just trying to keep my head above water.
