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Updated 8 years ago,May 23, 2017
Its that time again.
Brackets are being formed.
Wine is being ordered in bulk.
Facebook / The Bachelorette
Papa Bear Chris Harrison is off somewhere moisturizing.
The journey begins for our Bachelorette, the gorgeous, warm, intelligent Rachel, this Monday and honestly?
Our cast of hopefuls were announced in this awkward (but kind of hilarious?
)live Facebook videofeaturing Chris Harrison.
Lets break them down, shall we?
He also cant name any musicians besides Coldplay and The Beatles.
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You are a 28-year-old grown man and only know two bands?
Go eat another salamander, Alex.
We dont want you here.
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Blake admits to lovingFifty Shades of Greybecause hes into sexy, taboo stuff.
At least we now know Blake thinks putting on a blindfold one time counts as hardcore BDSM.
Also, living for the shade Chris Harrison threw his way re: his career as an aspiring drummer.
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Im an aspiring rock singer.
I think at some point at 31 youre just gonna have to call it a hobby.
Youre not aspiring anymore.
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ICE COLD, HARRISON.
But then loses all points when he says being romantic can show youre weak.
Oh honey, masculinity SO fragile.
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But good luck competing on a show designed around winning a girls heart!!
I feel like I hate him already??
Bryce
Im sorry, but I just have to say it.
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He also has a super transphobic answer to the whats your biggest date fear?
Santa, come get your boy.
Jonathan
Jonathan is a tickle monster.
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If this is whats out there, Ill happily choose dying alone.
Eric
Eric likes Tony Robbins, green juice, and cant tolerate negative people.
Jamey
Jamey spells his name with a Y and says he has no female friends.
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Lucas
This mans profession is listed as Whaboom????
I have Googled it and still do not understand what it means.
If anyone can provide some clarity, Id appreciate it.
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Iggy
Iggy lists his best qualities as passionate, loyal, and witty.
Then lists those as his worst qualities too.
Ok. GOOD ONE, IGGY.
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Matt
Matt says the most romantic gift hes ever given is lingerie.
Adam
Says his most embarrassing moment is telling his mom hes going to be onThe Bachelor.
Yikes, weve got a real dud on our hands.
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My guess is he goes home early and we dont even notice.
Jedidiah
Jedidiah really, really, really loves wolves.
The two things that make ol Wolfy really mad?
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Wasting time and kids getting hurt.
like notice that wasting time was listed first.
Can someone tell me how anyone moans the nameJedidiah?
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Brady
Brady is apparently a male model.
If you say so, Brady!
Lee
Lee seems fine.
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Probably a little too basic for Rachel.
Theres 0.00% chance shes marrying a singer-songwriter, sorry.
HE PRETENDED TO BE ASLEEP?
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I cant stop laughing.
…I hope her brother is okay though.
Jack Stone
The only one who has his last name listed.
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Claims hes a lawyer.
Could also have killed someone and adopted a new alias.
I could see him as being charming in a goofy kind of way.
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Fred
Wow, Fred could go either way.
Hes either the sweetest, most genuine dude youve ever met or hes a closet psychopath.
Im personally leaning on the sweet side.
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To the If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
he said ELLEN DEGENERES!
And that might be my favorite answer of all time.
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Aaaand 20 years ago, Fred had Rachel as his camp counselor AND HAD A CRUSH ON HER.
Could he end up being a creep?
But my sappy ass heart is rooting for him.
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Peter
I like him.
Dont really know why, but I do.
Dont let me down, Peter.
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Michael
Might be on the young side for Rachel, but I see potential.
Still, Im gonna keep my eye on Michael.
And his response to what does being married mean to you?
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is the best thing Ive ever seen onThe Bachelor/Bachelorette.
Josiah
Josiah seem so sweet.
Potentially boring, but mostly sweet.
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Hes an attorney, so maybe theres a shared interest there.
I dont know if lawyers like other lawyers.
The closest understanding I have to that is watchingAlly McBeal reruns.
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Rob
Rob looks like Kyle Chandler.
I love Kyle Chandler.
Anthony
Anthony listsThe Iron Giant(!!!!)
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as one of his favorite films.
Based on this alone, his taste is impeccable.
Mohit
Aww, Mohit!
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But in the questionnaire when asked gluten?
(um, what is the question???)
he responded, Im going to dress up as that for Halloween.
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He seems funny, intelligent, and mentionedSeinfeld.
Kyle
Alright, Im biased here.
Kyle talks about Donald Glover and thats an automatic entry into my heart.
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