Rather, its activated by certain triggers.
However, this finding comes with a caveat.
Lets unpack what this means.
Kevin Laminto
Anxious people are hyper-vigilant about how their partners act.
So lets say one day you text your guy and he doesnt text back for a few hours.
But today hes going longer than normal and you start to spin.What is going on?
Is he with a girl?
He must be with a girl because he always has his phone on him …
I mean its 2023… everyone is glued to their phone!
Why wouldnt he have his phone?
He must be with his girl and he doesnt want to text me when hes with her.
I cant believe hes doing this.
Men are all evil monsters.
Im going to end up alone.
Life isnt fair
And you spin and spin.
Then your guy reemerges.
Turns out, he was in a meeting that ran long.
Now you feel better, but deep down youre angry.
He still should have texted.
Maybe hes losing interest.
And now you punish him because he has wronged you.
One thing I talk about alotis the fact that the subconscious mind is always looking to prove itself right.
And your mind is looking for proof of that.
An anxious person may also act out because they want to be soothed and reassured.
Where does an anxious attachment style come from?
However, it doesnt always come from childhood.
you could develop anxious attachment as an adult after a traumatic relationship experience.
Now lets talk about solutions to get your anxiety under control
1.
Date someone with a secure attachment style.
Dating someone who is secure will anchor you and model ahealthyway of being.
We will always gravitate toward the familiar even if it hurts us.
Blaming, shaming, accusing, guilting and so forth rarely create a healthy dynamic.
Being open, honest, and vulnerable does.
So be honest with your partner.
so you can do this, you gotta be emotionally honest with yourself.
have a go at identify the source of your anxiety- did it come from your parents?
And examine how it shows up in your daily life and in your relationships.
When you get an understanding of whats at play, explain it to your partner.
Respond instead of react.
So what does this look like?
Realize maybe hes just having fun with his friends and wants to give them his attention.
Everything in your relationship is fine, there is no cause for concern.
It isnt reasonable for him to text you every five minutes.
If you place these demands and expectations, you will look needy anddesperateand things will only further deteriorate.
Think about what you would tell your best friend in this situation- how would you talk to her?
This is a good strategy overall to help us get centered when were unraveling.
attempt to choose your response instead of reflexively reacting.
Take deep breaths, count back from five, or go outside for some air.
Watch how you speak to yourself.
And what we think creates a change within us.
Managing your thoughts is the difference between feeling panicked and terrified or calm and at ease.
Dont go spiraling when the anxious thoughts creep in.
Stop them in their tracks by telling yourself: I am OK.
I will be OK.
you’re able to also play therapist with yourself.
Ask yourself questions when youre in a moment of panic.
Whats the real fear here?
Im afraid he met another girl.
And what does that mean to you?
And why does that make you scared?
It proves Im unlovable
Then what?
Find someone reliable to talk to.
This could be a friend, a family member, a coach, or maybe a good therapist.
Having an objective person can really help you get unravel whats happening and loosen those knots.
And a skilled therapist can give you the tools to manage that anxiety.
Journaling and meditation are also excellent tools for getting your mind and thoughts under control.
