You have so many what ifs.
Everywhere you look, you see his name printed in capital letters.
You attempt to remember the last time you felt this dizzy and conflicted and torn.
Paoo Raeli
You close your eyes and embrace the silence around you, hoping to understand your emotions.
And its somehow working.
Youre starting to figure out why you suddenly cant stop thinking about him.
This isnt love yet, you tell yourself.
But its a little close to that.
Youre few moments away from tearing your walls down.
The logical part of you is slowly disappearing.
And youre acting like a kid again.
You catch yourself smiling for no reason at all.
You rest your chin above your hands, unconsciously daydreaming.
How did this happen?
Maybe his touch melted the coldness in your heart and you werent aware of it at that time.
You wish theres an easy way to describe what youre feeling right now.
But that will be risky.
Youre not bold enough to make that big move.
Youre scared that youll only subject yourself to humiliation.
Theres a huge possibility of being in a relationship with him you know that.
But your bad experiences in the past weakens your confidence of meeting him in the middle.
You have so many what ifs.
There are hundreds of questions swarming your brain at this point.
Your gut encourages you to look for more proof, to give yourself more time.
The deeper you take a stab at find answers, the more confused you get.
The truth is, youre scared.
You dont want to gamble.
You have become so good at being alone.
You have found a home in your own body.
And youre convinced that you dont need anyone else.
Its hard to let someone in when youve been used to ignoring knocks on your door.
Its hard to let someone help you be warm when youve been comfortable being cold for so long.
You want to give love a try but only if theres a guarantee.
You want to give him a chance but only if he expressly asks you out.
For the meantime, youll play it safe.
You wont dip a toe in the water.
Youll take a rain check.
Youll stay where you are until its crystal clear that he wont hurt you.
That he wont turn out to be the guy who will break your heart.
This is how you protect yourself because youve learned your lesson.
Youve realized over time that love is supposed to be transparent.
A guy who will never make you feel doubtful.
Youve grown to be more careful about entrusting your heart with someone else.
What you feel toward him isnt love yet, but youre positive that it can be.
Its a sign that he can be the one youve been waiting for.
You need not to be afraid of trusting someone again.
A pang of guilt hits your stomach because youre not sure if constantly thinking about him is healthy.
Youre not sure if making him a major part of your life is necessary.
In time, you’re able to forget everything about him.
you might continue thriving in this world and believing that you will be just fine on your own.
