By
Updated 4 years ago,January 18, 2021
I feel like I am 18 again.
Wide-eyed and faced with too many big decisions.
I do not get accepted into my first dream school.
Photo byViktor ForgacsonUnsplash
I get accepted into the third one and decide that this dream has to be the one for me.
I feel like I am 18 again, entering into a world not meant for me.
Walking through the doors of a building where I will always be inferior.
I feel like I am 18 again and wondering how someone so young can experience so much hurt.
How can someone who has barely even lived a life have already lived through so much?
How can I possibly carry on when everything around me is shattering at my feet?
I feel like I am 18 again, and everyone around me is falling in love.
I am sitting on the sidelines, while you are the shining star.
I am second best, and she is always number one.
I cannot find myself in my eyes or my cheekbones or my chin.
Ten years later and I am 28.
Ten years later and I am exactly where I started.
Ten years later and I still cant find myself anywhere.
I do not think that I will ever make sense to anyone else but me.
I am immobile, yet I am airborne.
Flailing into a new normal that even my worst nightmares could not have predicted.
And even though I am terrified, I know that I have to move on.
I know that the world doesnt actually stop moving when you feel like you cannot.
I know that what once was can never be again.
I will never be able to go back.
it’s possible for you to visit.
it’s possible for you to reminisce.
But you cannot go back to a life no longer meant for you.
I feel like I am 18 again and lost.
I feel like I am 18 again, hurdling into the unknown.
I feel like I am 18 again, and all I want is to take it all back.
But now I know at 28 that I cannot take it all back.
I cannot go back.
What once was will never be back.
Today, I am 28.
And I am starting over.
