And, in case you didnt know, this is not how love works.
I loved the way she scrunched up her nose when something perturbed her.
And the way she compulsively twirled her hair around her index finger.
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And the way she could drift off into her own little world, even amongst clutter and chaos.
She was cute and quirky and weird, with a kind of small-town innocence that I couldnt resist.
We could get lost in Times Square and sip wine in The Bowery.
We could soak up the view from the top of The Met.
We could have fiery sex in Romanesque places, hearts racing wildly with the thrill of being seen.
Mary had never been to New York, and I couldnt wait to show it to her.
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For the first time in my life, Id found someone to love.
And, someone who loved me, with all of my flaws and idiosyncrasies.
I was her rock, her best friend and her muse.
I was her favorite soul in this vast, beautiful universe.
I was her everything.
And I knew this because she told me, nearly each day, with fervent and penetrating sincerity.
If nothing else, Mary had impeccable timing.
My heart plummeted to the floor; then panic and anger swept in.
I questioned my judgment, wondering if Mary was the person Id believed her to be.
Indeed, a vacation can be rather disappointing when the person youre with makes you sick.
I found myself unable to smile or eat or sleep, endlessly wishing I were alone.
Occasionally, Id ask Mary questions, hoping for practical answers.
Instead, Id get typical Mary-like ramblings, filled with cosmological nonsense and existential psychobabble.
Trying to understand Mary was a singularly pointless activity.
So, I largely stayed quiet, biding the time until we arrived back in Omaha.
Of course, a wiser, more self-assured man wouldve had nothing to think about.
Hed have simply walked away, recognizing his worth as he searched for something better.
But, all of my efforts proved futile, leaving me hopelessly drained and dejected.
The truth is, nobody showed me the blueprint for a fulfilling relationship.
I never learned what it means to have a healthy, supportive partner.
I never learned that love isnt something you win.
My relationship with Mary was only the first in a series of turbulent, short-lived, and heartbreaking affairs.
But, thats okay.
Because, if youre going to learn, sometimes its best to do so the hard way.
A fictional character, yes.
But Dr. House was right.
And, in the case of the show, lying frequently meant the difference between life and death.
In the real world, though, most of the lies that we tell are harmless.
Like telling your grandma she makes the best mashed potatoes when they actually taste like wallpaper glue.
Or pretending to admire your neighbors newborn, even though its the ugliest goddamn baby youve ever seen.
These are little white lies, and theyre a natural part of the human instinct.
Does something seem off about the person youre with?
Do they tell you stories that dont add up?
Do they leave out details and talk in circles?
More importantly, do their actions fail to match their words?
If so, congratulations.
You found a big, fat, fucking liar.
Do yourself a favor and run like hell.
You deserve someone who is honest.
Incidentally, if someone tells you theyre honest, dont believe them.
An honest person doesnt need to tell you theyre honest.
They will simply speak the truth, and act in congruence with what theyve said.
In a marriage, cheating is the ultimate transgression.
Yet, research shows that physical or emotional infidelity occurs in over 40% of marriages.
One could also argue that, from an evolutionary standpoint, human beings simply arent wired to be monogamous.
Long married couples can and occasionally do overcome infidelity, usually with a shitload of counseling and hard work.
The purpose of dating, however, is to discover another persons nature.
More than likely, theyll do it again.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Run like hell, and find someone who values loyalty.
Hear the wordaddict, and its hard not to think of drugs or alcohol.
But, people can be addicted to all sorts of things, from lesbian porn to Pokemon Go.
Are addicts bad people?
But, this isnt about them.
This is about you.
And if youre looking for a satisfying relationship, youre not going to find one with an addict.
Addiction is a disease, and addicts do not make healthy partners.
An addict will always place more importance on their drug than on your relationship.
Certainly, if someone close to you is an addict, you’re free to lovingly confront them.
But, if youve just started dating an addict, youd be wise to run like hell.
Its not your job to fix or save or take care of someone with an addiction.
Perhaps theyll get help and reappear in your life.
But, until that day comes, your only job is to take care of yourself.
This is a term that we tend to hurl around, especially in the throes of heartbreak.
Even a detailed psychological workup cant prove that someone is truly a narcissist.
Theoretically, they could have histrionic or borderline personality disorder.
Or they could be a sociopath.
But, the fact remains: these people exist in droves.
And, in the end, they will cause you nothing but excruciating pain.
Narcissists will chew up your lunch and spit it right in your face, without a hint of remorse.
First, theyll idealize you, setting the stage for the passion to come.
Theyll love-bomb you with flattery, praise, and promises of a future together.
Theyll tell you that youre the most amazing person theyve ever met.
Youll think youve hit the relationship jackpot, wondering how in the hell you got so lucky.
That is, until they begin to devalue you.
The very traits that they said they loved about you will become your biggest flaws.
Theyll be distant and cold and inattentive.
Theyll gaslight you with lies and insults.
Theyll trivialize your feelings, vehemently denying their own behavior.
Theyll tell you that youre crazy or that you have it all wrong or that youre too sensitive.
Theyll make you second-guess yourself, as you scramble to get back to the way things were.
Its happened to me and it can happen to you.
Educate yourself on the stages of narcissistic abuse.
Look out for yellow and red flags, and be mindful at all times.
If you think youre involved with a narcissist, dont waste another day.
Immediately cease contact, run like hell, and then run like hell some more.
Youll be grateful you did.
Its a fucking no-brainer.
Except that its not.
I know I have.
Maybe you met someone whose job takes full precedence in their life.
Maybe you met someone who is fused with their kids, their friends, or their extended family.
Or, maybe you met someone who isnt quite over an ex.
People can be unavailable for many reasons, even if theyre dating.
You may think you’re able to win them over, but you cant.
You have no control over someones emotional availability.
If you dont, youre venturing down a slippery slope towards heartbreak.
Yet, we do.
And, in many cases, we do it over and over again.
The big question, of course, is: Why?
Why do we consistently fall for the wrong people?
Why do we love those who dont love us back?
And, why is it so goddamn hard to remove ourselves from these situations?
Well, its complicated.
Its complicated because were all a bit different.
Some of us recreate our earliest relationship experiences, and it feels normal to us in adulthood.
Some of us are caretakers or codependents, and feel responsible for the needs of others.
Some of us operate from a scarcity mindset, fearing we may not meet anyone else.
And some of us simply have low self-esteem.
And, in case you didnt know, this is not how love works.
So, the other big question is: What can we do about it?
This, too, can be complicated.
To truly make a change, you may need to dig deep in your past.
You may need to educate yourself on toxic shame, relationship patterns, or attachment theory.
You may need to work with a therapist to overcome any childhood trauma.
And, you may need to reshape your beliefs.
But, you might get a massive head start by making a very simple promise to yourself.
And, if someone does, you will run like motherfucking hell and never look back.
