I sometimes think its the end of the world.
By
Updated 2 years ago,September 24, 2023
The doctors office is cold and I am exhausted.
Do you have a history with anxiety?
Photo byAdam NieściorukonUnsplash
she asks, peering up at me from over her laptop screen.
Its a difficult question for me to answer.
Well, actually, its quite easymy anxiety is a rather obvious part of me.
But Ive never been officially diagnosed, and that distinction somehow feels important here.
I guess, I answer eventually.
I mean, I know I feel anxious about things sometimes.
The nurse types something into her laptop.
What about panic attacks?
This one is easier to answer.
Yeah, since high school, I tell her.
I used to think I was having a heart attack.
The nurse practitioner smiles sympathetically.
I gather this isnt exactly an uncommon kind of appointment for her.
We see this quite a bit in young people, she tells me, almost conspiratorially.
On one hand, its comforting.
In the midst of an anxiety spiral, I tend to be overcome by a profound sense of loneliness.
On the other hand, Ive always hated feeling reduced to a statistic.
At the end of the day, Im just another victim in the mental health epidemic.
Has anything been stressing you out lately?
Where do I even begin?
I dont know where this feeling came from or how long its been here.
I could go on, but its nothing you havent heard before.
Since then, those headlines seem to have grown more frequent.
There is so little time between one tragedy and the next.
It must add up, though, right?
All those little feelings of helplessness.
All those moments crying at some newly-released video making its rounds on social media.
All of those injustices that never seemed to be acknowledged and righted.
Whether were fully conscious of it or not, theyve created the groundwork for our reality.
No wonder the world always feels like its ending.
How could it possibly not be?
The nurse practitioner assures me what Im going through is normal.
By the time it becomes too much, they dont always recognize that its a problem.
I suppose its not that I didnt recognize my anxiety was a problem.
And, and, and.
So many home remedies, so many suggestions crammed down my throat by well-meaning health gurus.
The nurse practitioner asks if Im interested in trying medication.
Had she brought it up even a week ago, I would have said no, absolutely not.
The ease with which the nurse practitioner writes the prescription is both a relief and a little alarming.
Within a few hours, Im back home with an opaque orange pill bottle in my hands.
What had I imagined, though?
If Im being honest, I never thought Id be here, staring down at a handful of antidepressants.
A strange sense of mourning washes over me.
How did I get here?
And why did I think this was a good idea?
Both are scary in their own unique way.
Who am I without my anxiety?
Is there a way to take away that part of me without somehow taking away all of me?
Just try it, my friend texts me after I relay my hesitation to her.
If you dont like them, you’re able to stop taking them.
It feels so simple when she puts it like that.
So why doesnt it feel that way?
The end of the world as a concept is far from novel.
The French bishop Martin of Tours predicted the apocalypse would come before 400 AD.
Pope Innocent III claimed it would happen in 666 AD.
Martin Luther was sure it would happen no later than 1600.
Its easy to look back and laugh at how wrong they all were.
Maybe someday Ill look back and laugh at how wrong I am now.
But I think its telling how popular a sentiment its become, no matter where you look.
On Facebook, religious zealots share long posts about the upcoming rapture.
On Twitter, environmental scientists speculate whether weve reached the tipping point when it comes to climate disaster.
It seems were all just holding our breath and waiting for the end.
I guess, at this point, it all feels sort of inevitable.
Its difficult to fathom a society that survives for much longer after us.
In the US alone, there are mass shootings nearly every day.
Just a few weeks ago, the Gulf of Mexico was on fire, for gods sake.
Were seeing record heat waves all across the globe, sometimes in climates that arent equipped for them.
If nothing ever gets better, doesnt that mean it can only get worse?
And thats because it is.
Sometimes its difficult to see that clearly when youre living in the midst of it all.
The truth is, the world has become what we always feared it would be.
A miracle happens: The medication works.
In a strange way, that feels like an understatement.
Im able to sleep again.
I wake up an hour, sometimes two, before my alarm goes off.
I have the sudden urge to go running in the mornings.
For the first time, Im not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Is this how normal people always feel?
Or is this just the early euphoria that comes with the release of pent-up anxiety?
With it comes a strange, pervasive sense of guilt.
Because I should feel panic, right?
I should feel as sick-to-my-stomach awful as I usually do.
But I dont, and that scares me.
Does that mean I somehow care less than I did before?
Its a blessing and a curse, to finally have a reasonable amount of serotonin in my brain.
I wish I could feel happier about it.
I breathe it all in deeply, reveling in the quiet.
Who knew the end of the world could be so peaceful?
I say, without fully meaning to.
My dad snorts in response.
I dont know why youve got it in your head that its the end of the world.
I dont know how to explain it in a way that would do it any justice.
Besides, it isnt like we havent had some version of this conversation before.
Its not as convincing of an argument as he thinks it is.
Its a heat wave here, a tsunami there.
Its a governmental decision that, decades later, leads to cities disappearing under rising seas.
Perhaps the end began so long ago neither of us can fully fathom it.
But the view from where Im standing looks bleak, even in these small, lovely moments of reprieve.
At least I sleep better at night.
