I wasn’t ready to lose you, I wasn’t ready to live without you.
By
Updated 8 years ago,August 16, 2017
Its been six years today.
Six years since everything changed.
Killian Pham
Six years since a light went out in my life.
Its been six years since Ive seen you, six years since Ive hugged you.
Its been six years since weve talked to each other.
Killian Pham
Six years is a long time.
I had thought that by now, I would be closer to healing.
I thought that by now, but I guess it just doesnt work this way.
Six years later, and I still miss you every day.
Sometimes it still doesnt feel real to me.
In these six years,so much has changed, so much has happened.
And you havent been here for it.
Ive learned how terrifying it is to think that I may be forgetting parts of you.
Feeling as though you are slipping away from mehurts my heart.
Feeling as though the memories are fading away pains me greatly.
But Ive also learned that the most meaningful memories are not specific events.
The most meaningful memories are feelings.
I will always remember how it felt to care about you and look up to you.
I will always remember how you always loved me and always kept me safe no matter what.
I will always remember the way that you made me feel.
Some of the other memories stick with me too of course.
I remember how Dad voluntarily gave you a piggy back ride on the sand.
I remember going on long walks with you and having to jog to keep up.
Tears still come to my eyes when I hear Ill Stand by You.
And even now, years later, Im still not ready to lose you.
And sometimes it feels like I lose you again and again.
Looking back, you taught me almost everything I needed to know.
You taught me how to be brave and strong, and how to follow my dreams.
You taught me how to be silly and serious, honest and kind.
But the one thing you didnt teach me?
You didnt teach me how to live without you.
You never told me how hard it would be, or how lost I would feel with you gone.
I still wish I could run to you for advice and guidance.
I still wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you that I love you.
I still wish these things with all of my heart.
I was so lucky to love you, and even luckier to be loved by you.
I am going to keep onmissing youand loving you from a distance.
Just as you wanted, Im going to do my best to truly make the most of this life.
And at times its going to be hard.
In the words of E.E.
Cummings, I Carry your heart with me.
I carry it in my heart.
