Remember, were drawn to these types of relationships because theyre familiar and comfortable; they feed our dysfunctions.
I graduated top of my college class and made tons of loyal friends.
After moving downtown to an up-and-coming city, I began excitedly pouring myself into my first full-time professional job.
Photo byJosue MichelonUnsplash
And then I met Josh.
When Josh and I first met at our co-work space, I barely noticed him.
He seemed like just another starry-eyed entrepreneur, obsessed with comics, anime, and superheroes.
But Josh was best friends with my new boss and hung around quite a bit.
After helping me with some software tools I needed, he became curious.
Josh asked about my dad which seemed odd and why I always wore pretty dresses.
As the conversation deepened, I realized we were both self-improvement nerds, and I felt a spark.
Little did I know, Josh was not onlynarcissisticbut also had anavoidant attachmentstyle.
I tended towards ananxious attachmentstyle and had no idea what any of this was.
We were heading for a double-jeopardy, textbook, toxic relationship, and it feltsogood… until it didnt.
Part 1: He love-bombs me.
Our emotional connection felt thrilling.
His romantic gestures were thoughtful andsopersonal.
He learned to recognize each of my laughs and micro-facial expressions like a private game.
To top it off, He often told me how beautiful I was and would always be.
Months flew by, and Josh quickly became the person who knew me the best.
He understood my fullest potential, and I felt like he wasthe one, more than any past partners.
I never wanted this breath-taking relationship to end.
Part 2: He belittles me.
The slip didnt seem like a big deal, but I felt hurt.Why doesnt he want to include me?
Does he not think Im smart enough?
He must have forgotten.
Or at least keep me more in the loop?
Im probably overthinking this.
Then, hed show up and be charming.
Why would I doubt him?
After a few more times of feeling rejected, I made the difficult decision to break up with him.
I cried a lot, and he held me.
Maybe we were lovers in a past life, but the relationship felt too hard with his ongoing distractions.
Then the cycle started.
I desperately wanted to believe him.
Part 3: My self-worth dissolves.
Attachment Theory 101:avoid anxious-avoidant dynamics.
If you tend towards anxious attachment,stay awayfrom avoidant types.
The next few months were full of laughable breakups and reunions.
The highs felt so high, and the lows were utterly devastating.Were there more lows than highs now?
But this has to work.
Hes the best thing that ever happened to me.
Maybe I need to prove myself more.
I broke up with him again and again, he crept back into my life.
I can work harder to make us work.
I can be better.
More and more, I began to doubt myself and question my self-worth.Maybe I deserve this.
I can be stupid and slutty, and I should feel lucky to have Josh.
Hes so smart and successful, and he understands me.
The put-downs and yellow flags grew worse and weirder.
I had become so desensitized that I reasoned he was accurate.
That was Valentines Day.
Eventually, I grew incredibly depressed.
I didnt like or know me very much anymore.
I had reached an unforgettably low point in life, wondering whether anything was worth it anymore.
Part 4: I rebuild my self-worth without him.
Thank god I got out.
Piece by piece, I rebuilt my self-worth.
I sold my car and started biking to work every day, carefully avoiding Josh.
Then, I ended up quitting my job and went on a few road trips over the summer.
I moved partially to create more space away from Josh, who kept showing up at my favorite spots.
I needed a new city and adventure.
Start new projects:I decided to pursue a new career in technology as a user experience professional.
I took out loans, signed up for a boot camp, and moved to California with two suitcases.
Closing thoughts
These damaging, dysfunctional relationships are real and more common than wed like to imagine.
Their lives are far more complicated, with decades of intertwined lives and shared children.
I feel lucky to have discovered the cycle so early on.
Though I still feel my heart flutter around emotionally unavailable men, I know activation energy isnotreal love.
Theyll be concerned when you feel hurt and value your vulnerability.
More than anything else, you’re free to trust your feelings.
If something feels off, it probably is.
By sharing our stories, we can heal and empathize with each other.
We release the shame and hate.
*Names were changed for privacy reasons.
