Failing to understand how we even got there.
Failing to understand why this was happening.
Failing to understand so much.
David Werbrouck
Relationships shift, and sometimes the people we thought would be there are the first to leave.
The emotions partners dont even know prior to the relationship even beginning is comfortable doubt.
It isnt just learning to go through the motions without someone.
There is an entirely mental battle they have to fight just to get through it.
We were all just together and everything seemed fine.
Recalling an anxiety attack three days before the breakup and hearing him repeat, babe, we are fine.
Sometimes I wonder if my anxiety disorder hurts me or is trying to protect me.
Youll pick yourself apart and analyze every flaw you have.
In this letter, I wrote a list of mistakes I might have made.
I wrote the words Im sorry more than once.
I wanted closure I couldnt find within myself and answers I didnt have.
The concept of an ending having nothing to do with their actions is so hard to accept.
You did nothing wrong, he said in some of his final words.
But when you have an anxiety disorder, its so hard to accept that.
Its so hard to understand.
Its so hard to move forward because of the guilt you feel for actions you wish were better.
When you have an anxiety disorder, you are already your own worst critic.
You are already that unkind voice.
You are already preparing yourself for an ending you dont want to see coming.
When you break up with someone with anxiety it just adds fuel to the fire of doubt within them.
It adds questions to answers only the other person has.
Its the doubting of everything they are and every choice they made.
Its wondering if youre simply incapable of being loved.
Its so much more than a breakup because the mental and emotional toll it takes on the individual.
But its in those weakest moments you find the strength you werent seeking.
Because sometimes, you dont get the answers.
Sometimes, you dont get closure.
Sometimes, you dont get to close that door with understanding.
Because if you dont, they will come up with conclusions themselves.
The least it’s possible for you to do is try and get them to understand.
So, have the uncomfortable conversation.
Dont break their heart while trying to sugar coat it.
I sat there on my couch, holding his hand, not letting go.
In broken words mixed with sobbing, all I kept asking is: What happened?
Its cliche to say but its me, not you.
Watching as I cried for days and weeks and months.
Watching the guilt eat me alive because even now, I still dont understand.
Its thehardest battle in the entire world to fight.
