Beside my crib lay blue paint swatches nearly identical to the shade swaddling my 9-pound frame.
A smattering of sports symbolism adorned the walls.
As a society we offer so little options for a world of people brimming with differences.
Sergey Zolkin
By age 3, I was a most garrulous one toeing the line between extreme extroversion and flamboyance.
It was obvious I had strayed from the mold.
We are creatures of habit and differences make people uncomfortable.
By age 11, my body had started to betray me.
I so wanted to gain control over what everything else around me could see.
My Mom made countless visits to the school in an attempt to shield me from what lay ahead.
Sergey Zolkin
She loved me and knew what was happening.
I salvaged pieces of my self-esteem though academic achievements and hobbled into high school.
One of my neighbours Jeff was without such a reserve chute.
Seeing no finish line he took his life before his 14th birthday.
You would be hard pressed to find a gay man with a memorable high school experience.
Sexual experiences are often transient and with male classmates whose one- off curiosity wanes in minutes.
Our crushes and sexual experiences are often hidden, like the parts of ourselves weve learned to hate.
We learn love late, if at all.
There are little tales of prom photos and first loves juxtaposed beside a limo.
We faked it or didnt attend events at all.
We were onlookers to a life that wasnt ours for the taking.
Like last spring at the Raptors game, when the famous kiss cam came on the screen.
15,000 cheered on heterosexual couples and two females as the camera panned across the stadium.
The camera stopped on two males, in their mid 40s, donning sports memorabilia.
Suddenly a group of people that was filled with cheers erupted into laughter.
I told my friend I needed to get a drink and left my seat.
My face was hot and my head was spinning.
This single moment taught me everything I needed to know about how society viewed gay male love.
I guess the 8 others on the roster didnt qualify.
Sorry man, Im gay, I said apologizing for their presumption.
The once lively car rides gradually grew silent.
I watched my Uber rating drop the next day.
Our paranoia may not always be accurate, but its borne out of years of societys onslaught.
To be a gay man can be a rapid moving Stairmaster.
Every time we surmount, we are pulled back.
To be a gay man is to lower your voice on business phone calls knowing masculinity is a virtue.
We take the descriptor straight acting in our community and hold it up like a holy grail.
If we can achieve this goal, we will finally be able to hide through camouflage.
We cannibalize our own in a desperate effort to standout and be loved for any version of ourselves.
As a gay man Ive learned to forge friendships in the form of new families.
Im grateful to be around men who appreciate the sunny after living in the storm.
To be a gay man, is to finally find a place where you belong.
Its not perfect but its our new home where we can begin to live in peace.
And for all of this, I wouldnt trade who I am for anything.
