It took me a long time to realize that I deserve more.
By
Updated 6 years ago,March 12, 2019
I shut the door behind me.
I did not look back.
Nicholas Gercken
And you sat there.
You did not say a single word.
I dont even know if you watched me take my last steps.
There comes a time when we begin to accept the disappointment.
It becomes so normal that we forget what life is without itthe disappointment that is.
The love let go.
It showed me who you are and what I mean to you.
Its easy to get lost in empty promises.
To find comfort in routine.
You develop a sense of false security sleeping next to the same person every night.
I never had the courage to let go.
I never had the strength to walk away for good.
I deserve to be loved the way I do.
A spontaneous and wild love filled with effortless affection and appreciation.
Kiss me with passion.
I dont care the time or the place.
I deserve small surprises and Valentines Day plans.
I deserve red roses and boxes of chocolates.
I deserve good morning texts and occasional check ups throughout my day.
You gave me none of these things.
I gave you everything.
You told me white lies.
You told me you wanted a future with me.
I believed you, but a piece of me questioned your intentions.
I do not know if you were ready.
I do not know if I was ready.
You made me feel like a second option.
You made me feel like I was not good enough.
I am not made to chase.
I am made to be pursued.
I want someone to see me for me.
I believed the good outweighed the bad.
I believed the happy outweighed the sad.
I believed that a past could be forgotten and baggage could vanish.
Was my perception of reality distorted this whole time?
Or am I a hopeless romantic who chose to only see potential?
I learned that baggage will forever rotate on the airport carousel.
Though at times it may be unclaimed, it always returns to its owner.
But I say this with a positive outlook.
Ones past does not define who they are.
It is simply waves rising and crashing.
At times, I did feel myself being sucked into the sea.
To some extent, this may have been our downfall.
You made me lose myself.
You made me lose sight of my goals and dreams.
I lost my self-respect.
I let you have the control.
I am not going to convince you to love me back.
That is not love.
The both of us have made our fair share of mistakes.
The both of us jeopardized our future.
There is no pointing fingers.
Love is something built from respect and loyalty.
Our love grew from rotten roots.
Though it flourished into something beautiful, it is only as strong as its foundation.
Although I believe that mistakes do not define a person, every mistake takes something away from you.
Small chips that slowly add up.
The thorns are strong.
Yet the petals fall slowly, and the withering stem gently falls down.
I am a rose.
Each delicate petal fell so carefully with grace.
Petal upon petal, they piled on top of each other.
The pile grew until the flower was bare.
In the spring, the rose is born once again.
It sprouts from healthy soil, ready to begin a new chapter.
Maybe our love will sprout and bud once again.
Maybe this time will begin with a sense of appreciation, a breath of fresh air.
But, for now well go our separate ways.
We will discover the meaning of happinessalone.
I will discover my role as an individual.
I will be me without you.
If we are meant to be, it will tell over time.
I hope you smile and look at me the way you used to.
I remember the song on the radio.
I remember the way the red light reflected off the hood of your black car.
I remember the way you carefully turned your head.
Our love may have reached its peak, it may have reached an end of an era.
It may be the end or it may be the end of a new beginning.
Though we have had our ups and downs, I want you to be forever happy.
I do not believe you were a waste of my time.
I do not regret my memories with you.
I choose to savor them.
There are many things I wish that I could change.
The time I met you.
How I met you.
I say that I do not care.
I do not care if you find love with another human being.
It will break me inside.
I secretly hope that it is meaningless.
I hope no future love of yours will compare toours.But I will never hold you back.
Our paths have crossed and found love.
Our paths have parted and kindled love.
But for now, I am letting myself let you go.
You will forever be my first love.
You hold a key to my heart that no one will ever possess.
To hate you is obscure.
To resent myself for giving up.
It is something I must live with.
I think it will always be you.It will forever be you.
This is not closure.
This is not saying goodbye.
I believe it is me expressing my pain and my empty heart.
It is me trying accept the present and let you go.
