These thoughts were loud and relentless, and I fully believed them.
I stopped answering text messages.
I ignored all of my phone calls.
Kinga Cichewicz
I started deleting my social media accounts one by one.
I began to see myself as a burden.
Panic attacks for hours.
Anxiety attacks of a future that I believed didnt exist.
I felt the shift before I saw it as I began to plan my own death.
I began writing notes to my loved ones.
I made a list and checked off each person as I wrote them their letters.
I tried to conjure up a memory of a time prior to my spiral into darkness.
I began to believe that such a time didnt exist.
I began to question each friendship in my life.
Did they really ever love me?
Did they even like me?
Have I just wasted everyones time?
Should I just go without a goodbye?
These thoughts were loud and relentless, and I fully believed them.
Wasnt it true that this was the best option?
Wasnt it true that this was the only way out and that no one really cared for me anyway?
At this point, I picked up my phone.
I reactivated one of my social media platforms and started working on a post.
I would throw in and then delete, throw in and delete.
I wasnt composing a goodbye letter, a goodbye post, or anything of the sort.
A few minutes passed and my phone started to go off.
Do you know how many you inspire every day?
Then there were more messages, and then more.
No one realized that this post was one that I had intended on being my last.
Their messages continued to pour in and I began to see a little bit of light in the darkness.
As I read through the messages for the third and fourth time, one thing hit me hard.
What if I had chosen to not publish that message?
What if I had chosen to end my life?
I would have died believing that I didnt matter.
I would have died believing that I was alone in this world.
This is the reality of the darkness of depression, though.
It clouds our thoughts and our minds; it can make us question realities and friendships.
It can convince even the happiest of individuals that we dont matter, that were nothing but a burden.
Depression takes lives every day.
I was hesitant to write about this.
I was hesitant to talk about it.
The truth is that I still suffer from severe depression.
How dark it can be, how disconnected we can become.
If you or anyone you know is dealing with depression, know that youre not alone.
Know that there is help and there is hope.
you could get through this.
To those that were the light in one of my darkest moments, thank you.
You were the spark of light that reminded me of hope.
