By
Updated 7 months ago,October 9, 2024
What are we?
Where is this going?
I will never forget the first time I had The Talk.
God & Man
I was a junior in college and had been dating a guy for about two months.
It was one of those relationships that got off to a racing start.
Then came the dreaded night when everything went awry.
It all started out fine.
The vibe was pretty positive, everyone was having fun… but Ashley couldnt let that happen.
What do you mean?
I really wish I could believe you, she said condescendingly.
But I just dont.
I mean, you arent even his girlfriend yet.
How do you know youre not just a rebound?
Because Im in the relationship and thats not how it is.
Im sorry, but I dont believe you.
If he cared about you, you would be his girlfriend.
You dont spend every day with someone andnot call them your girlfriend.
That means hes using you.
And hes not even as great as you made him out to be.
If she were to tell you the sun was blue and the sky was yellow youd believe her.
What if heisusing me?
What if hes hooking up with other girls?
Whyhasnthe called me his girlfriend yet?
So like, what are we doing here?
What do you mean?
Were going to my apartment to eat pizza and then go to sleep.
Woah, where is this coming from?
Were now inside sitting on his bed with a box of pizza and palpable tension between us.
Look, he started slowly.
I just got out of a serious relationship, you know that.
I really like you and I care about you, but Im not ready to label it just yet.
So does that mean youre hooking up with other girls?
I really cant handle that right now.
How does anyone know anything?
We just enjoy what we have and see where it goes?
Then it started … the drunk tears.
I tried to fight it but theres no stopping that tsunami.
I say between sobs as tears fall into the slice of pizza in my hand.
Im not sleeping with anyone else and I dont plan to.
So then why arent we official?!
You were fine with things before, what changed?
Well Ashley seems to think youre using me and Im just a rebound.
Who cares what she thinks?
Shes a bitch, you know she is!
We went back and forth like this, I cried a lot more until we eventually fell asleep.
But it did happen and it changed the dynamic of our relationship.
Every time I would bring it up Id be in an emotional, desperate frame of mind.
It didnt happen that way and after many months, it all came crashing down and we were over.
Ironically, the first time he told me he loved me was when he was breaking up with me.
He admitted that the real reason was that Ineededthe title it too badly.
The reason I shared this pretty embarrassing story is to illustrate hownotto have the talk.
I mean, I couldnt have played it more wrong if I tried!
So what should you do instead?
attempt to just relax and let things unfold organically.
Just be present in the relationship.
It may sound simple enough butno one actually does it!
When youneedthe title, its no longer about him.
Even if you get the title it wont ever be enough.
You dont even have to ask, its just so obvious.
And if you do bring it up, it doesnt become a battle of wills.
Its more like, Of course were a couple, duh!
No blame or hysterics or theatrics.
Something along the lines of, I really like you and enjoy spending time with you.
I feel like youre acting like my boyfriend, is that fair to assume?
And just leave it at that.
Before you do anything, get clear on what it is you want and dont want.
When a guy says he doesnt want to be in a relationship,believe him.
And dont act like his girlfriend until you are his girlfriend.
Putting too much pressure on a situation will never get you anywhere.
Its not really so much about what you say but rather, thewayyou say it that causes problems.
