Research-backed explanations and advice you could apply today.
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Updated 4 years ago,April 16, 2021
Ive only ever been attracted to a woman once.
It was over 10 years ago but I still remember how electrifying her presence was.
Jack Delulio
Its worth noting that Natalie doesnt look anything like what the marketing world tells us sexy should look like.
She also had a head full of frizzy hair the kind people spent hundreds trying to straighten.
The French have a phrase Je ne sais quoi which translates to I dont know what.
If ever there was a person who was the human embodiment of that phrase, it was Natalie.
For a long time, I couldnt figure out exactly why I found Natalie so sexy.
However, as my interest in behavioral psychology and social sciences grew, it all started to make sense.
Here are some of the traits of desirable people that the marketing world will never tell you about.
Natalie always defined beauty by her own standards.
So, I can choose to believe them or I can set my own standards.
She would wear the most outrageous outfits and somehow pull it off.
When Natalie and I later became housemates, I would often catch her smiling at herself in the mirror.
It wasnt that Natalie didnt care about the physical appearance of her body.
She exercised, ate well, and pampered herself with spa treatments.
If Natalie had a superpower, it was that she could always make someone feel good.
It always felt like she was coming over to tell me a secret only the two of us shared.
She had a way of focusing on you like you were the only person in the room.
I recall a time when I had felt stupid because of a bad career decision that didnt pan out.
She also reflected on how expertly I had used that situation to gain a better role.
By the end of the conversation, I felt empowered.
I had started the conversation feeling stupid but ended it feeling courageous and adaptable.
Heres the important part Natalie never feigned interest or fawned over anyone excessively.
She just naturally thought that everyone was interesting in their own way.
Anotherstudyhypothesized that creating positive emotions promoted closeness by activating the dopaminergic system in our brain.
I recall a conversation once among our friends where someone had mentioned, Dating seems so effortless for Natalie.
She didnt wait to make plans just in case someone she likedmighttext her.
Natalie valued herself and that included valuing her own time and attention.
He also knew right away that Natalie would never put up with any disrespect or mind games.
As dating expert Matthew Hussey says:
Show a girl you dont care and she will chase you.
Show a woman you dont care and shell replace you.
However, when he arrived at the club that night, he found himself repeatedly drawn to Natalie.
Though he got both phone numbers that night, he only asked Natalie out.
Its hard not to want to be around that.
Lisa was his physical ideal but in the end, he found Natalie far sexier.
It wasnt that Natalie was a party girl, it was that she clearly had a passion for life.
She always seemed fully present in whatever she was doing.
I remember being incredibly drawn to her after that conversation and really looking forward to seeing her again.
Natalie had a way of inviting intimacy by being open and relatable.
They named this the beautiful mess effect.
Their observations align with the work of renowned vulnerability researcher and author, Professor Brene Brown.
In contrast, we love seeing raw truth and openness in other people because vulnerability is incredibly humanizing.
I once asked Natalie where she thought the self-assuredness that was the root of her sexiness came from.
Her response was only two words: Dont compare.
Her sexiness was fueled by the fact that she was completely, unapologetically herself.
This article was originally published onPS I Love You.
