If I wanted to dig deep, I could probably blame it on my upbringing.
That way, you guys might actually show up on time, she explained to me.
But even still, we usually didnt.
Photo byJon TysononUnsplash
What a strange phrase.
It resonates with me more now than it did as a kid, though.
It seems like the harder I venture to grasp time, the quicker it slips away.
Despite all my protests, time refuses to still, and I am left empty-handed.
Ive been told thats just part of getting older.
Why, then, does it feel like its been this way for a long time?
Because what if I rest, even only for a moment, and suddenly all my time is gone?
Two months ago, I turned 27.
Hadnt I been here before?
It wasnt the first time Id lost track of my agenot even close.
How old are you?
the officer had asked as I handed him my drivers license.
Twenty, Id responded automatically, then immediately backtracked.
No, wait, 22.
But then later, it happened again.
And then suddenly, whenever anyone asked my age, I had to pause.
When had it grown so hard to keep track of the years?
But Im not sure its just that.
I just dont know how to explain it.
He let out a surprised laugh, shaking his head.
That doesnt even make sense.
And I know it doesnt, not logically.
Im simultaneously processing all thats happened while trying to anticipate where I need to be next.
Its like reality cant quite keep up with my brain, or maybe vice versa.
Maybe the problem is that my brain and reality are moving in two different directions entirely.
And I cant be the only one who feels this way.
I refuse to believe it.
Growing up, the sounds ofRentwould ring through the hallways of the house.
I just knew I loved the way it sounded.
The song that made the most sense to me, of course, wasSeasons of Love.
There are 525,600 minutes in a year, so how do we choose to measure them?
It was the number of times I saw my grandparentsusually around holidays.
Its been harder to quantify this past year, though.
With the pandemic raging and quarantine in place, so many of the familiar time markers disappeared.
All my flights were cancelled and refunded.
All the weddings were postponed to later dates.
It was the first year I didnt see my extended family for the holidays.
I hardly saw any friends at all.
Id like to think we can.
I may not be able to go to a concert, but I can dance around the living room.
Nothing around me seems to have changed, but in many ways, I have.
There is so much meaning in that alone.
So maybe this year has been harder to measure.
In truth, I think I just stopped trying.
I think about that quote a lot.
I cant always decide if its depressing or relieving.
Every single moment is full of everything, and that is terrifying and beautiful and a little overwhelming.
If only we could access all those moments.
If only we could simply walk through a door and find ourselves somewhen new.
I do take some comfort in the fact that maybe nothing truly ever leaves us, though.
There is a version of me grabbing coffee with a friend I will later never speak to again.
When I think about it that way, it makes the wounds ache a little less.
The distance between now and then means nothing, and in that knowledge, there is everything.
If thatishow the universe works, I dont mind being lost in time.
It makes me feel a bit closer to who Ive been, to who Ill be.
It makes me care about conquering time just a little less.
