Attachment styles inform how we act in romantic relationships, but these steps can help us overcome them.
I constantly see people assigning themselves an attachment style and diagnosing their partners.
Attachment styles refer to the way people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships.
Tim Mossholder
First, its important to know that you are not locked in by your attachment style.
Its a spectrum and there is room for movement and growth.
Attachment style isnt always related to your childhood, either.
Its possible to have ahealthy relationshipeven if you have an insecure attachment style.
People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
They trust themselves to deal with whatever happens in life.
They can give and receive love in healthy amounts and dont worry about people abandoning or rejecting them.
They can see someone elses perspective and are considerate of their partners needs.
They felt supported, cared for, seen, and validated.
They can trust people and rely on them and they dont usually struggle in relationships.
They can choose who to be with and arent governed by a subconscious desire to heal old childhood wounds.
In relationships
They are comfortable and secure.
They are not worried about their partner suddenly leaving them and are comfortable giving a healthy amount of space.
Basically, theyre the gold standard and are ideal romantic partners.
Anxious Attachment
People who are anxiously attached tend to idealize love and obsess and overthink everything.
They frequently worry about their partners ability to love them back and require a lot of reassurance.
Their core wound is fear of abandonment and fear of not getting their needs met.
They never quite knew what to expect which kept them constantly on edge.
They struggle with being hyper-vigilant, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
They need constant reassurance and validation which can be draining for their partners.
Also, its never enough, they always need more, like a cup without a bottom.
This is why anxious people will often be drawn to avoidant ones.
This also causes them to have weak boundaries and people-pleasing tendencies.
They will give everything of themselves so long as it gets them the love and validation they crave.
How to overcome it
you oughta practice the power of the pause.
This means you pause before reflexively reacting and panicking over whatever the perceived threat is.
First, get yourself regulated.
Next, re-frame and venture to look at things from a different anglewhat else might be going on here?
Its important to recognize your triggers.
Get to know them.
Where did they come from?
What is the source?
What usually happens before I get triggered?
What is the root of this trigger?
When was the first time I felt this way?
Whats another way of looking at this?
Just because you think it doesnt mean thats the reality.
And your worried and anxious thoughts will put you in a chokehold if you dont fight back against them.
Their fear of abandonment can cause them to self-sabotage.
They crave love and connection but also fear it intensely.
They think opening up completely will lead to being unloved and rejected.
Rather than expressing their feelings, they may completely shut down, withdraw, orghost you.
People with an avoidant attachment style usually had emotionally unavailable or emotionally abusive parents.
Their parents most likely punished them for having inconvenient feelings and shamed them for expressing any negative emotions.
The more they do this, the more emotionally detached they become from themselves and others.
You have a hard time really letting someone in because you think you will be abandoned if you do.
Even though you want a connection, this fear is so great that you continue to hold yourself back.
Recognize that the thing you fear is the thing you crave the most.
make a run at reconnect with your feelings and express them instead of pushing them away.
it’s crucial that you integrate so you could be your authentic self.
If you have someone in your life who does make you feel safe, practice opening up to them.
Notice that you will not be rejected or shamed for sharing your true self.
Conversely, this is what creates deep bonds.
Disorganized attachment (or fearful-avoidant)
If you have this attachment style dont be discouraged by what youve read.
This attachment style is just very messy, hence the term disorganized.
They are all over the place and dont really know what they feel or what they want.
They feel unworthy and carry an enormous amount of shame.
You struggle in relationships because you dont trust yourself or your instincts.
You have trouble regulating your emotions and are easily triggered and highly reactive.
you’re able to be loving but also withdrawn.
And you play hot and cold like no other.
