My pediatrician referred my parents to a dermatologist to determine what I was suffering from and seek treatment.
It was utterly embarrassing to raise my shirt up and show my secrets.
After that appointment, I shut down emotionally.
God & Man
The boils quickly grew in number and size as I proceeded through my teens.
My issues then spread to my groin, inner thighs, and butt.
I lived in pain and embarrassment hiding or avoided changing in locker rooms for gym class.
My first sexual experience occurred six weeks before my 18th birthday.
I was paranoid because I didnt know enough but I knew what I suffered from was not normal.
Luckily, my undiagnosed ailment wasnt flaring up at the time, but I did have some scarring.
There wasnt any questions from my more experienced, college senior partner.
He never stared, gawked or questioned it.
I never brought it up.
I guessed at that time what you cant see in the dark doesnt matter.
Shortly thereafter, I went to college and my confidence changed.
I was getting attention from guys.
I joined a sorority.
My sorority sisters, because of my man-game, affectionately nick-named me Chaser.
I had no fear of going after someone who wasnt in my league.
He would ask if I was ok or needed help with my boo-boos.
James had his own insecurities: his teeth, his weight, his fledgling business.
He and I shared our feelings and never judged each other.
After I ended that relationship, I met the guy who would end up as my first husband.
Craig, on the other hand, was completely inexperienced when we met.
I fell for him hard and fast because he was so different.
When it came to my condition, it was an experience for us to share together.
Our first time together was in the middle of the afternoon, on a full sunny day.
No night to hide in shadows.
He saw my scars, and a nice bulbous boil under my arm.
Craig did look concerned but it was due to the painful possibility it posed.
I accepted this as my daily life.
For 12 years, Craig saw my condition change and worsen.
Eventually, my groin got the worse of my flares.
I prepped my skin before and after and communicated any pain or discomfort.
He never made it a thing, but on occasion, I did.
During the course of our marriage, the intimacy dried up.
I searched for love, attention, and affection wherever I could get it.
Where did Chaser go?
One of my first rebound partners really drove me to a lower low.Brysonwas a 30-year old virgin.
He wanted me to teach him.
That should have been my first clue it wasnt going to go well.
When I undressed, he saw it all.
He immediately asked, are you sure its not an STD?
Because it looks like an STD.
When I went to the dermatologist, she confirmed I did have stage two HS.
I was so elated to have answers and someone who understood this disease.
I started treatments and have managed to reduce the intensity of my flares.
The thought I was not pretty or desirable is gone.
I am still a curvy woman, a highly enticing and flirtatious siren.
For my fellow HS sufferers, have faith in yourself.
Trust me on that.
Your mindset on this disease is key.
Im 37-years-old and Ive let this skin condition take me down, but build me back up.
I embrace the scars, the boils, the pain as a badge of courage.
I find gratitude in the journey it has given me and will continue to give me.
I can open up to anyone who feels different and doesnt like it.
Intimacy is all about communication: its expressing your likes, dislikes, and insecurities.
Your partner has to be able to listen, understand and respect your thoughts and your body.
No partnership is worth it if you ever feel bad.
In my HS support groups, I see messages of people struggling to juggle our condition with relationships.
Ive read posts of people with abusive spouses threatening or citing HS as the cause of relationship failure.
You shouldnt be with someone that cannot have empathy for your position.
*Names have been changed to preserve anonymity.
