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Updated 6 years ago,February 4, 2019
Passive-aggressive people act passive but express aggression covertly.
Theyre basically obstructionist, and attempt to block whatever it is you want.
Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious.
DANNY G
Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, Why are you getting so angry?
and blame you for the anger theyre provoking.
Passive-aggressive partners are generally codependent, and like codependents, suffer from shame and low self-esteem.
Their behavior is designed to like to appease and counter to control.
Personality Disorder
Personality disorders are persistent and enduring.
Theres renewed interest in studying passive-aggression.
They say yes, and then their behavior screams NO.
They take a stab at sabotage your wants, needs, and plans using a variety of tactics.
Denial:Like all codependents, theyre indenialof the impact of their behavior.
This is why they blame others, unaware of the problems theyre causing.
You end up feeling hurt and angry.
Procrastinating:Theyre avoidant and dont like schedules or deadlines.
Its another form of rebellion, so they delay and delay with endless excuses.
They dont follow through on responsibilities, promises, or agreements.
If theyre unemployed, they drag their feet looking for work.
You may do more job-searching on their behalf than they do.
Obstructing:This is another nonverbal form of saying NO.
Ambiguity:They hate to take a stand.
They dont say what they want or mean.
However, their behavior tells the truth, which is usually NO.
This way they retain control and blame you for being controlling.
In addition to procrastinating, they avoid being pinned down.
They may insist on reasonable visitation, and label your attempts to specify a predictable plan as controlling.
This only postpones negotiation when repetitive arguments can occur over every exchange of the children.
Alternatively, they might agree to terms, but not abide by them.
you’re able to expect to be back in court.
Never angry:They dont express their anger openly.
Their only outlet is passive-aggressive, oppositional behavior.
Incompetency:When they finally do what you ask, you likely have to redo it.
If they make a repair, it might not last or youll have to clean the mess they made.
If theyre helping with house cleaning, their inefficiency may drive you to do it yourself.
At work, they make careless errors.
Lateness:Chronic lateness is a half-hearted way of saying NO.
They agree to a time, but show up late.
Lateness at work or delivering assignments is a self-sabotaging form of rebellion that can get them dismissed.
Negativity:Their personality may include pouting or acting sullen, stubborn, or argumentative.
They feel misunderstood and unappreciated and scorn and criticize authority.
They frequently complain and envy and resent those more fortunate.
Playing the Victim:The problem is always someone elses fault.
Their denial, shame, and lack of responsibility cause them to play the victim and blame others.
You or their boss become the controlling, demanding one.
They always have an excuse, but its their own self-destructive behaviors that cause them problems.
Dependency:While fearing domination, theyre dependent, nonassertive, indecisive, and unsure of themselves.
Theyre unaware of their dependency and fight it whenever they can.
Their obstructionism is a pseudo attempt at independence.
They dont leave, but withdraw or withhold intimacy instead.
An autonomous person has healthy self-esteem, is assertive, and can take a stand and keep commitments.
Not so for someone passive-aggressive.
Withholding:Withholding communication is another form of expressing anger and asserting power passively.
Theyre unable to articulate what they want, feel, or need.
Instead, they retain their power using the silent treatment or withholding material/financial support, affection, or sex.
This undermines intimacy as a way to fight against their dependency.
Look for a pervasive pattern of several of the above symptom, and monitor your feelings.
You may feel angry, confused, or powerless when trying to get cooperation.
If this is a common pattern, youre likely dealing with passive-aggression.
Its important not to react.
Not only that, you step into the role of parent the very one your partner is rebelling against.
Dont be vague, drop hints, blame, or allow yourself to pay-back in kind.
Neither be passive, nor aggressive.
Its far better to address noncompliance and problems in the relationship directly.
Frame it in terms of We have a problem, not You are the problem, which is shaming.
Confronting this behavior takes practice and requires assertiveness andsetting boundarieswith consequences.
