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Updated 3 years ago,August 31, 2022
I stared at the doctor unblinkingly.
It was a mistakeI had to have heard her wrong.
Even as the thought flitted through my mind, I knew I hadnt.
God & Man
It didnt look like a textbook case of genital warts.
Id only noticed a few small, persistent bumps that refused to go away.
I felt dirty and ashamed.
How could I tell anyone?
Id not slept with that many partners.
My relationships were most often long and monogamous.
I did not think of myself as a likely candidate to have any pop in of sexual issue.
Because of all this, my knowledge of HPV (and other STIs) was little to none.
As I learned more about it, I was surprised.
Before my diagnosis, Id had no idea that HPV was so common and widespread.
It can stay dormant in the body for years and never present any symptoms.
I couldve contracted it from any one of my partners.
I was shocked by her cavalier attitude, but it also made me feel slightly relieved.
Maybe it really wasnt a big deal.
Id just begun dating someone new, fairly soon after a tumultuous breakup.
We hadnt slept together yet, but I was wrestling some complicated feelings regarding my previous boyfriend.
My new problem made everything else feel overwhelmingly unmanageable.
I decided that I had to talk to my ex about what Id learned.
I would wait and figure out what to tell this new guy later.
It wasnt a pressing issue so I pushed that particular stress away for the moment.
My self-esteem was already floundering and the feeling that I was somehow tainted only made it worse.
I called my ex to discuss what Id learned.
My heart in my throat, I blurted everything out awkwardly.
I didnt know how to approach it any better.
There was silence, and my stomach churned.
That was my undoing.
I didnt tell the man Id begun dating.
I felt horrible about myself as it was.
Instead, I made excuses for not getting more physically intimate with him.
I used any and every reason I could think of not to go further.
Meanwhile, I began spending time with my ex again in secret.
I couldnt sleep, or eat, or stop crying.
I became addicted to spending time with him.
It allowed me to forget everything for a while.
Im not proud of the way I behaved during this time period.
I hurt a very decent man, who eventually found me out and stopped seeing me.
I didnt exactly lie to him about my HPV, but I definitely omitted the truth.
I couldve avoided so much pain, stress, and shame.
I didnt want anyone to know.
We must spread facts and eliminate the harmful myths that shroud sexual infections in shame and secrecy.
