And I know social media is simply the glamorized versions of peoples lives.
I know it’s not real.
The truth is those words taste like acid coming off my tongue.
Leo Hidalgo
Instead, Ill say, Im tired.
From the outside looking in, Im not someone who should be depressed.
I get frustrated with myself sometimes because I know this.
Leo Hidalgo
I shouldnt be sad.
I was raised in a good loving family.
They gave me everything I could have wanted and needed.
And why cant I be normal?
I got a good education.
I did extremely well in school and sports.
I got a lot of awards.
I have a great job I do well enough at.
I have a huge social circle and a lot of friends.
There isnt a weekend Im not invited somewhere.
Im actively involved in a lot of charities.
My walls are filled with medals and awards and accomplishments.
Pictures of me smiling and laughing.
Those are my good days.
I dont say these things to be boastful.
I say this because this is the reality of someone living with depression.
The truth is Ive mastered the art of playing two very different roles.
From the outside looking in one would think I have a perfect life.
But the truth is the word perfect makes me cringe.
The word perfect is a reminder of the things I lack.
Because Im not overcome with sadness all the time.
Im not screaming for help in a cry.
Im not talking about it.
Depression hides under my skin hidden just there with me, something only I know.
It comes lurking in the late hours of the night, keeping me awake.
Feeding me lies.You dont have friends.
You arent good enough.
You will never beat this.
You will never escape me.
Ill always be here.
And I know these things arent true.
And I know social media is simply the glamorized versions of peoples lives.
I know its not real.
But depression tries to convince me lies.
Depression tries to trick me into believing things I shouldnt.
Its the mornings I wake up and it actually takes effort to get out of bed.
Because part of me just wants to lay there for hours if I could.
But I know that will only make it worse.
Its starting a day that I just want to already be over.
And I know I should appreciate every day I have.
Depression makes me feel selfish.
Its having to talk myself into eating because Im not hungry.
Im never that hungry.
But I know I have to eat.
But then there are also those moments where I just want to eat everything.
Its going out and faking a smile and laughing.
Its laying there with him on the couch not saying anything but not needing to.
Just need his arms around me and thats enough to get me through the night.
Then I have good days.
The good days almost make the bad ones worth it.
But I know those will fade too.
So I cling to them as best I can because its that which gives me strength.
Its the conversation I dont want to have because I cant describe what it is Im feeling.
I cant understand why Im feeling this way.
Its reaching for anything I can to numb the pain even if its toxic habits.
Because I know I shouldnt drink that much.
I know alcohol is a depressant and once being drunks fades I fall faster and harder.
But in the moment numbing my pain is the only thing Im thinking about.
Depression is the unbalance of everything in my life.
Eat well 3 days in a row then like shit the next.
Sleep well one night then not get out of bed for hours.
Go the gym for 6 hours then skip it for the next week.
I cant describe it really.
Only that everything is off.
Like its something Im choosing.
I try entirely too hard in every relationship.
I think I have to.
I think I have to give people a reason to stay.
Because if they see this side of me theyre gonna wanna take off.
I love people a little too hard because its a process of learning to love myself.
And Ill admit I dont know how to.
People ask why I work so hard, try so hard, do so much.
And Im not trying to make them look bad.
Im not trying to be some brown nosed, goodie-goodie.
Its just I need to be doing something.
I need to be busy.
I dont fit the stereotype of someone who is depressed.
I was the captain of the volleyball team.
I was friends with everyone.
I was in NHS.
I had straight As.
I was highly ranked in my ROTC class.
My letters of recommendation for college were glowing and I got into almost every school I applied to.
And all of that continued in college.
But maybe thats the point.
You dont see depression.
Because depression is all about how well it’s possible for you to hide it.
There shouldnt be a stereotype because I think we all feel these things sometimes.
Regardless of how popular you are or the jot down of family you come from.
There is no pattern to that we can trace to connect people who are depressed.
The only thing we can say is everyone feels these things sometimes.
I just think some people are a little better at hiding it than others.
