If Im always near the bottom, then I cant fall too far.
It may sound pathetic, but its oddly comforting.
I was too flawed, too depressed, too ugly, too chubby, and too ordinary.
God & Man
Seeing the bright side was a foreign concept for me.
Though I tried hard to stay positive and push my sadness aside, it never worked.
I had no idea where to begin.
Now Im more confident, at least when Im on my own.
I dont know that I have discovered some magical fountain of self-love, but Ive definitely adjusted my priorities.
The truth is that I simply dont care so much about stupid, superficial shit anymore.
Life is short and I dont want to keep on wasting it.
I am terrified to really and truly … try.
I cant fail if I never put myself out there fully in the first place, right?
The same goes for love.
Ive been this way my entire life.
When I was a child, I was required to do everything perfectly the first time around.
Ive always been what one might categorize as too serious.
Its not that simple to throw out thirty years worth of learned and reinforced behavior and start over again.
If I succeed, then I can fall.
If I love deeply, then I can be deeply hurt.
The fear still wins.
I do not want to repeat the patterns of my family before me.
I even have glimpses of true contentment before my sabotaging brain goes to work decimating it.
I know that I will never live my fullest life unless I rid myself of these crippling fears.
The question is, do I have the guts to do it?
