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Updated 11 months ago,May 31, 2024
You tell yourself that it will all be fine.
That you want the kisses.
That you want the sex.
Unsplash / Toa Heftiba
That you could handle this.
You go with your gut and your gut tells you this is going to be good for you.
You convince yourself that you need a break from dating.
That a casual relationship is exactly what you need.
Then, somewhere down the line, it becomes more than that.
You both cross the line.
Unsplash / Toa Heftiba
Youre both guilty of breaking the rules of your agreement.
Maybe you decided to stay a little later than you should have one night and ended up cuddling.
Maybe you ran into his parents in the hall and they invited you to stay for dinner.
Maybe you ended up hanging out one afternoon during your period without having sex at all.
Then something in the air shifts.
It stops feeling like a FWB arrangement and starts feeling like a relationship.
After all, they make you laugh.
They listen to your stories.
You look forward to texts from them and count down the days until youre going to see them again.
When theyre not around, you wish they were.
You wish they werealwaysaround.
When it comes down to it, youre close friends who are sleeping together.
And isnt that exactly what a relationship is?
Best friends who like having sex?
For a while, you pretend that those new feelings arent there.
And when you finally admit them to yourself, you freak out.
You hate yourself for ruining something that was going so well.
If they knew thatkeeping it casualwas killing you inside, then they would leave.
They would end the arrangement.
They wouldnt want to hurt you by prolonging it.
Thats why you keep your mouth shut.
You dont let on that you have strong feelings for them.
Because you would rather suffer through being their sex toy than be a stranger they no longer speak to.
Did they call you pretty instead of hot?
Did they send you a morning text instead of a 2 AM text?
Did they look at you a certain way when you walked through the door?
You analyze everything that they do in search of signs that they feel the same way.
It doesnt matter that theyve told you multiple times they arent ready for a relationship.
It doesnt matter that you agreed to keep things casual.
You still have hope.
You still pretend that the way he kisses you means something.
You still kill yourself by sleeping with someone whos never fully going to be yours.
