I am not straight, but I am not dead.
Like, at all.
I started navigating what that meant for me.
Jeremy Bishop
I started to figure out what being queer, what being definitely not hetero, meant for me.
And now four years later, I still dont fully know how to label myself.
Psychologically speaking, human beings label each other for a couple of different reasons.
Its a way of organizing people, of knowing where they belong in a group.
Ie: Youre big and strong, you should protect the group.
Youre really clever and quick, you should hunt for us.
Youre really nurturing and trustworthy, you should raise the young.
And so on and so forth.
It can also be viewed as a safety measure.
Humans do not thrive in the unknown.
We want to know who, what, why, when, where, and how.
There are multiple problems with all of this.
Were evolving, sometimes rapidly and seemingly overnight, while the labels are taking multiple years to catch up.
But the concept of a labelless society makes sense to very few people.
And when you do that to yourself?
Well,woof.Youre probably in for it a little bit.
(Or a lot.)
I had been an active (and enthusiastic!)
I had an almost decade-plus history of dating, sleeping with, exploring, and loving men.
There are layers to compulsory heterosexuality and heteronormativity.
We all experience it or at least the ripple effects of it no matter our sexual or gender identities.
But we all experience those layers and those ripples to different degrees and extents.
I had crushes on boys, so I had to be into men, right?
There are a number of things that people claim as parts of their persona I find incredibly boring.
I swear, this has a point to it.
I am not straight, but I am not dead.
When I see an attractive man, I am wellawarethat he is attractive.
Matthew Gray Gubler exists.
Evan Peters, Robert Sheehan, Donald Glover, Jake Gyllenhall.
I know when a man is attractive and beautiful and fun to look at.
But do I want to be with him?
Do I want to hold his hand?
Do I want to stay in bed all day with a man?
Do I really want to be with a man?
No, not really.
Actually beyond not really.
Unfortunately, I still dont know that its that simple.
Actually, I do know.
It hasnt been and its not.
The complications that surround the word lesbian have been documented at length.
It feels, oftentimes, like it excludes or omits people we are not looking to exclude.
There is a lot of take back that needs to happen with the word lesbian.
Which is to say!
Its something Im clearly still working on, okay?!
But here are some things I do know after a slew of things I do not.
And that last thing I know is the main component that I hold to be true.
My queer/gay identity is undeniably an important factor in the makeup of my being.
It is a fundamental part of who I am.
I would never consider the fact that I am not a cat person (see?
probably not a lesbian.
so sorry had to it was right there.)
a part of my personality because that would be what?
That connection and shared experience is vital for me.
Without it, there is no connection.
Im attracted to, desire, and just interested in other queer people, and thats what I know.
Predominantly, that has been other queer women.
It can extend outside of the typical gender binary, but still within the queer space.
The queerness is the point.
The gay factor is the point.
The not hetero is the whole fucking point.
Thats not a problem or a necessity.
But for me it truly feels like everything.
Bisexuality is a real experience and important identity for many, many people.
So now that were post-figuring shit out?
Or at least further along with it?
It was just a phase.
I tried it on until I was ready to just be into chicks.
The fear I had came true and it was a layover for me on the way to gay town.
Should I keep going, go ahead and include more offensive tropes?
No, dont worry, I wont.
What I know is this.
The biggest mistake I made with my sexuality was ever labeling it in the first place.
Because the label, to me, is not important.
If it is important to someone talkingaboutme?
They can call me whatever they want so long as they represent that Im not straight.
Lesbian, queer, gay?
They all feel fine.
But the label is not something I feel in any way devoted or married to.
The label is not whats important, the intent is.
But these days, Im more than comfortable with my labellessness.
I, generally, know who I am and what Im about.
I know that Im open to evolution of terminology and identity.
I like the challenge of growing.
There will be dips and falls, plateaus and spikes.
She self-predicted something I wasnt even aware was going to come up again.
I think it is.
I may have been so confident, at the time, with calling myself bisexual.
Four years ago, I effectively retired from men.
Maybe next year Ill have a label, or maybe I wont.
But similar to what I said in 2016, Im proud that this journey has been mine.
This journey might be ending with more of an ellipsis, but I love that opportunity for evolution.
