I had a really toxic friendship once.
By
Updated 4 years ago,April 1, 2021
Toxic people.
They are, we say.
Photo byMorris FaymanonUnsplash
We know what to look for.
Or does it only happen if we manage to outlive the relationship?
Only then do you learn that theres no such thing as a toxic person only toxic relationships.
The toxic friendship.I thought it was the best friendship I could ever have had.
I felt at home talking to them.
There were mountains of trust, an openness that had been nurtured.
Even when I was called names or when I was lied to.
I made excuse after excuse, never knowing what to expect.
We were best friends.
Id known them forever.
Theyd never lie to me.
And when they did lie, there must have been a good reason.
There were good days, awesome days where compliments were flowing and my ideas and thoughts asked for.
I was being heard, listened to.
Maybe today would be a good day.
Maybe today would be a bad day.
The levels of manipulation were not something Id ever encountered directly before.
I told myself that Id recognize those signs a mile away.
We were playing chess and I wasnt even aware I was in the game or that I was losing.
I even tried to withdraw from the friendship on many occasions but they werent quite done with me yet.
So I gave up.
I thought the more I gave, the better it would be.
Because thats what were taught.Give love.
Put others first.And I did all of this.
But in the process, I lost my voice.
I lost my confidence.
My self-esteem was at its lowest and I was frustrated.
Every response was, Whatever.
I questioned everything I did and said because maybe it wasnt the right thing.
Maybe it would hurt them.
Maybe they wouldnt approve.
This went on for years.
The damage was done.
I had learned my lesson the hard way.
All I wanted to do for a long period was protect myself from them or anyone like them.
They, who left only destruction and damage behind.
And me, who…wait a second…I had a role in this.
I thought I was this person who could save others.
And then I woke up understanding that Im not here to save people.
People can save themselves.
Im not here to put others first if Im being trodden all over and then tossed away.
And there it was.
My own toxic trait that was used against me over and over.
Once removed completely (no contact, no social media, no conversations with common friends, etc.
I didnt want to be needed anymore by anyone.
Being responsible for an adult drained me, and I stepped back from all my relationships and reexamined them.
I no longer needed to feed my ego.
I no longer needed to feel needed.
Ive learned my lessons.
