Considering my history, the decision happened after a rather insignificant night.
It did not happen the morning I woke up in the hospital with hypothermia and alcohol poisoning.
I had been so consumed by self-created chaos that I had not had clarity of mind for years.
Adam Jaime
What if my friends hadnt been there?
What if they hadnt brought me home?
And it was going to happen soon.
I had been drinking regularly since I was 15.
As a gay teenager in an inner city high school, alcohol took on an extra significance.
Drinking is the great equalizeranyone can do it.
Though I loved my close friends, I always felt different, apart.
I used alcohol as a means to bond with classmates with whom I otherwise had nothing in common.
In retrospect, the truth was glaring and obvious.
I was convinced that I did not have a problem.
I made myself a victim.
I was the valedictorian of my class and was accepted at Brown University.
I left for college with high hopes.
I wanted to study International Relations and become a human rights lawyer.
But without the structure of high school, I quickly fell apart; I drank almost every night.
I ignored the changes happening to me.
Id black out a few times a week.
I was aggressive and reckless.
I constantly started fights I couldnt remember, both with friends and strangers.
When I wasnt drunk, I was hungover.
My anxiety was through the roof.
After college, I moved to New York without a job.
They pulled me back.
I was in a complete blackout.
They tell me I sobbed for an hour and passed out.
I stopped drinking for a few weeks and sulked that I had to.
Within the month, I decided I was going to try drinking again with strict rules in place.
Needless to say, I was soon drinking during the week and blacking out routinely on weekends.
If youre a heavy drinker, that decision can seem impossible.
I always ran with a hard-partying crowd.
For someone young, the thought of losing access to the social situation theyve always known is terrifying.
What am I even going to talk to this person about if Im not drunk?
I cant dance until Ive taken a few shots!
Sleeping with someone without alcohol?!
I told myself that drinking is what made my world feel magical.
I remember sitting at my kitchen table during senior week at Brown.
It was around noon and I was incredibly hungover.
My depression temporarily subsided and I was bubbly and talkative and vivacious.
I gleefully proclaimed, Wow!
Alcoholism has taught me that you really can convince yourself of anything.
Deflection was my weapon of choice.
If I woke up frightened, I would tell the story for a laugh.
Though people would occasionally confront me, most acted as if I were entertaining.
If I woke up at all.
Besides, whatever problems or feelings I would drink to escape came back, tenfold, the morning after.
Every day, it gets a little easier.
Ive had to teach myself how to communicate thoughtfully without poisoning my speech with the fury of alcohol.
I understand I have a long way to travel before I achieve self-acceptance or real serenity.
