What brings you in today?
Well, I cant get over my ex-boyfriend.
I hired my therapist eight months after my ex and I finally broke up.
Photo byKsenia VarapaevaonUnsplash
I couldnt stop thinking about him.
There wasnt a single day he didnt cross my mind.
I couldnt stop myself from googling him or reading his blog.
I tried to find out information and often found out things I did not want to know.
Maybe then Id finally be able to tell him what to do, control him, have leverage.
I could not stop.
Hour-long subway rides were consumed by these thoughts and fantasies.
I shared in recovery meetings.
I would tell anyone who would listen.
Then I hired my therapist.
She just listened for the first couple of months.
She asked me about other boyfriends and past relationships.
Shed always leave me at the end of our sessions with Take care of yourself.
See, I didnt want to give him up.
She was a smart, skilled therapist.
Two creative 27-year-olds starting a new life together in NYC.
It seemed so glamorous… until it wasnt.
Finally, it was 13 months after the breakup.
I came in embarrassed to admit that I was still thinking of him.
I had a feeling she had been waiting for this window of opportunity for a long time.
To be vulnerable with someone new?
Stab to the chest.
I didnt like it.
I was completely nailed.
Nailed to the coffin of this far-past -expiration-date-breakup.Goddamn it, I thought.
My ego brain kept grasping for footing, to regain control.
I didnt want the conversation to take this direction.
No, thats not it.
Ive slept with other people and have been vulnerable since him.
Okay, well, you know were meant to have multiple deep connections in our life, right?
We sat in awkward silence.
Okay, well, let me know when youd like to come back in.
Take care of yourself.
Why was it that simple?
Of course, thats what it was.
Our relationship ended in terrible flames.
I put up with 6+ months of poor treatment longer than I should have.
I knew other people had figured it out, but I cataloged it as not for me.
It was a really lovely hole I was in.
I kept my therapists words with me, though.
They ate away at me.
She had landed the perfect stroke.
The stroke that gets you free.
I guess I thought it would, but its actually shifted in a beautiful way.
My heart opened again and Ive appreciated him and our past relationship much more clearly.
I went through a lot of muck first.
Almost every day, I realized something new.
In retrospect, I saw that many times I didnt appreciate all of his vulnerable gestures.
A lot of times, it was painful thinking of all the ways I ran him over.
Dismissed him, dropped him, made his life hard.
I had to turn and look at these behaviors and have compassion for myself.
Through letting him go, I learned how to really and truly see someone.
How to appreciate someones inherent goodness, their younger selves, the ways they love.
Ive learned to love myself for my mistakes and learning, my becoming.
It was a process of loving him more, loving myself more, and appreciating what was.
