Empathy is the willingness to feel with your partner.
To understand their inner world.
Think back to a time when you were listened to and really felt heard.
Christopher Campbell
How did it feel to be seen as you were?
The last letter in Dr. Gottmans ATTUNE model is E and it stands for Empathy.
Brene Brown describes empathy beautifully in this brief animated video.
Empathy is the willingness to feelwithyour partner.
To understand their inner world.
During conflict is also when empathy is most difficult.
Christopher Campbell
This is because partners stop defending their positions and instead seek to understand each other.
They become a team against the conflict.
Stop trying to fix your partner
Empathy is easy when our partner is happy.
Its more difficult to empathize when our partner is hurting, angry, or sad.
Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of the person you love.
Sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity without experiencing their feelings with them.
Brene Browns description of sympathy as trying to paint a silver-lining around pain is a very common response.
The problem with this kind of response is that it invalidates the other person.
As the listener in the State of the Union meeting, empathizing will be difficult.
Below are four skills to improve your ability and willingness to empathize.
Empathy is only possible when you have removed all preconceived ideas and judgments about your partners feelings and needs.
When you assume responsibility for your partners feelings or take messages personally, youre blaming and judging.
Judgment of your partners experience is an attempt to protect yourself.
To do this, practice the art of non-defensive listening and focus on being curious about your partners feelings.
Empathy lies in our ability to be [fully] present.
Marshall Rosenberg
2.
Its easy to get swept away in the facts of what happened during the heat of a conflict discussion.
This is where couples get stuck.
They argue over who is right, and yet both views are valid.
Being rational about the facts inhibits empathy because it invalidates emotions.
This is why Dr. Gottman suggests concentrating on what your partner is feeling.
Listen to what they need.
Climb into the hole.
To feel what I feel.
Dr. Gottman refers to empathy as a mind meld.
Empathy is so deeply connecting that its physical.
This is why Brene Brown says empathy is vulnerable.
To attune to your partners difficult feelings requires you to connect with that feeling within yourself.
Ask questions to help you understand why they are feeling that way.
This will make it easier for you to empathize with their experience.
During your State of the Union Meeting, youll get a chance to summarize what you heard.
Empathizing shows that you understand why they have those feelings and needs.
Behind every complaint is a deep personal longing.
Its also worth noting that we have to receive empathy to feel empathy.
As Brene Brown puts it, rarely can a response make something better.
What makes something better is a connection.
Next week we will show you part one of the State of the Union Meeting with real life examples.
