I am so very tired of being soft for you.
I had to pull out an old one and charge it.
Sure enough, there you were.
Jérôme Licht
Text messages from trysts past.
Pixelated nostalgia staring me in the face.
I knew what I should do.
I knew what I shouldnt do.
A sane person wouldnt go through and read them, but you and I both know Im a masochist.
Yes, Ill build you a wine cellar.
(*) Youre a goddess.
(*) Your snap made me smile.
You make me smile.
Im thinking about your smile.
(*) I miss you Nat.
(*) Your eyes.
A man could lose himself in them.
(*) Sometimes you look at me and I am afraid you see everything.
(*) Read that Mercury was in retrograde.
Laughed n thought of you.
Its all just the alignment of the stars.
Keep your chin up beautiful.
(*) It hurts to know youre in a bad place.
I want you to find happiness in your heart.
(*) I was so fucking nervous before seeing you.
But as soon as were together I relax and its like being home.
Youre like home to me Nat.
Thats not an opinion.
(*) Keep a light heart Nat.
(*) I just left her place when I probably should have stayed.
I didnt want to spend the night.
I was also thinking of you.
(*) I think the world of you Nat.
Youre a fucking goddess.
I wish you could see that.
(*) Every time I get a text from you I get giddy.
(*) He doesnt deserve you.
(*) I dont deserve you.
(*) I kick myself for not making you mine whenever I had the chance.
(*) Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we had made different choices?
If we wouldnt have gotten with the people were with now or the ones before them.
(*) I was never ashamed of you.
I never wanted to keep you a secret.
I never wanted to make you feel that way.
I didnt deserve someone like you.
Youre something I cant even reach.
I never imagined youd want more.
I would take it back if I could.
(*) I love you for all that you are.
I cant see how anyone wouldnt.
(*) I love you yesterday, today and tomorrow.
(*) We lay in the beds we make.
Im wondering if youre happy in the bed youre laying in.
Does she let you hold her?
What other beds have you laid in when youve rubbed up against monotony in the one you made?
What other beds since I walked out of your life?
Thats all you ever did was visit.
This body, a hotel for your hunger.
You, a well-acquainted guest, its most loyal customer.
You always said thered never be a day where you wouldntthinkof me.
That you would alwaysloveme.
Im beginning to wonder if you even know the meaning to any of those words.
You couldnt see me, much less love me.
I always wrote about how our love was red.
Its the color that came to mind each time I thought of you.
Red like the lipstick you liked seeing smeared on your skin.
Red like the blood on my swollen lip from your teeth.
Red like the color of my skin under your vehement touch.
Red like the wine you poured over and drank from my body.
Red like the stains on your living room carpet.
Red like my cheeks each time you spoke to me.
Red like our fire.
Red like our passion.
Red like our violence.
Red like my scarlet letter.
There was nothing pretty about our feelings for each other.
There were no colors.
Only black like the shadows you always kept me hidden in.
Black like the cavity you burrowed right through my heart to ensure nobody else could find their way there.
Black like the feeling dirty every time I let you inside me.
Black like a nasty little addiction.
Black because we didnt exactly start out innocent.
Black because wed go on to do worse.
I know this now.
I think I knew it then, too.
Id leave your place always with marks all over my body.
Bruises forming from the way you and I made love.
Little evidence of where you had been.
Claims in your name to something you never wanted to keep.
Id carry them around the one wears a diamond ring.
Like they spoke about your love for me.
Like they were a promise.
Id carry them proudly.
Id wear them like my favorite dress.
Theyd fade from purple to blue to green to yellow to nothing.
A lot like the way I felt.
If you saw me now, would you say the same?
Have you even noticed my absence?
Did it hurt you at all?
I know I was the one who walked away without so much as a goodbye.
But you should know by now that I was always weak for you.
I couldnt have done it any other way.
You should know I walked away only because I loved you so much.
I couldnt have you in my life anymore and not be with you.
I couldnt keep sustaining myself on the little scraps you threw my way.
Losing you hurt more than leaving him ever did.
I loved you more than even him.
Walking away didnt come easily to me.
Walking away meant losing one of my best friends.
It came with loneliness.
I spent this whole time waiting for that Instagram post Id come across that would tear me apart.
The little jewel on her left hand that would have made my heart drop.
My stomach lurching at each carat.
I wrote countless pages preparing me for either moment.
I wrote countless poems trying to deal with how I felt for you.
I wrote volumes of poetry about the things we could have been.
I dont think I have it in me anymore.
I think my veins are running out of ink for you.
I cant miss you anymore.
Im getting closer to that point where I no longer wish it would have been me and you.
Others were never enough.
Shes never been enough.
I would have never been enough, either.
If you see me somewhere, I wont look the same.
My eyes no longer warm, no longer wanting, no longer meltingly sweet, will look past you.
They will not linger on any hair on your head for one second.
I am so very tired of loving you.
I dont know if Ive stopped, I just know that its not the same.
I just know that I dont dream about the lives you and I could have had.
I dont write about alternate worlds.
I dont curse the universe for placing me in this one.
I just know that I want different things now, and none of those things include you.
They include everything you would have never been able to give me.
You and I have always been a wildfire that could not be put out.
Weve always existed as flames, we have never been anything but.
But I was always the one left doing all the burning.
I am so very tired.
I am so very done.
I am so very tired of being soft for you.
If you ever see me again, hey, hey, dont make eye contact.
like look the other way.
