At least some fantasy I wanted to see become reality.
Thats what I held onto.
We were a stream of trial and error.
Christiana Rivers
Running in these circles.
Coming in and out of each others lives and I thought it was a sign.
A sign that we found our way back to each other every time.
Christiana Rivers
No matter what happened we always found our way again.
No matter how we might have hurt each other or let each other down.
A force greater than both of us.
But I wanted it to be you.
God damn, I wanted it to be you.
We carried pieces of each other in every new place and in every new person we met.
But we saw every worst version of each other.
I think we were looking to fill unexplainable voids.
My love came free and easy not hard to won over.
So we turned to each other.
And it was that understanding and lack of judgment that made us who we became after all of it.
Not to be defined by circumstance but rather who we chose to be.
Both our hearts felt a little too deeply in a world that left us disappointed.
We both became jaded and guarded and fearful not of love but of finding it and losing it.
I think sometimes we hurt each other because of the pain others caused us.
I think sometimes we blamed each other for things that werent the others ownership to claim.
But I think we also like testing each other.
Theres something comforting about knowing someone will always be there loving you regardless how you act.
We were a nice idea.
And there are still times I think back believing in it.
When you swore to me wed be together and wed get it right.
But then I got to realize thats all it was, an idea that seemed nice.
I came to this cold realization as I went to the same place that used to be ours.
Ones who believed in each other.
Ive never looked at someone so confidently and sure.
My friends watched me self-destruct believing in something that was only an idea.
Because with you, I thought Id be safe and secure and taken care of.
If only we could get there first.
But we never found that.
Instead, we found every reason to continue prolonging it.
I always thought I was ready for you.
I still remember the night you told me there was someone else.
I didnt think much of it because of how many people weve seen come and go.
But this time it was different.
This time it was real.
It seems everyone else has moved in with their lives.
Every person we ever dated or were interested in, found someone to be their forever.
And here I was alone.
But this is me choosing to let go of the idea of us.
Because thats all it ever was.
Sometimes I wonder if you really believed I could have been the one for you.
Sometimes I want to ask do you ever look at her and wonder about me?
Sometimes I wonder if any of this was real or just a feeling I liked to hold onto?
I deserve to not have to wait for when someone might be ready based on circumstance.
I deserve a love that believes in me the same way I believed in you.
I just wonder if Ill ever believe in someone that much again.
Sometimes I wonder if I want to.
This is me letting go of the idea of us.
And forgiving myself for getting so lost in someone I lost myself.
I just hope I meet someone who can do that for me.
Someone who will teach me that letting go is the first step to holding to something and someone real.
