Is that why I had decided to kill myself?
By
Updated 4 years ago,March 9, 2021
The view from the rooftop was beautiful.
The city line stretched across the horizon gradually fading into a misty blur of the cloudy sky.
Benjamin Child
I breathed in the cool scent of September air.
The trees were slowly shedding their old skin, dropping leaves to the floor as they turned yellow.
This place looked familiar, I had been here before.
Benjamin Child
Where was I again?
My eyes wandered around searching for clues.
I carefully walked to the edge of the ledge and looked down.
The figure looked vaguely familiar until the realization rammed against me with a sudden force.
My eyes were wide open and oddly unfocused.No!
This was just a nightmare, right?
That wasnt really me.
The bile rushed to the back of my mouth souring it with an acrid taste.
I fell to my knees and retched a thin stream of vomit on the clean concrete.
I clutched my head tightly as the sky began to spin making me breathlessly dizzy.
The city line looked ugly as it crudely jutted out interrupting the calm blue of the sky.
Darker clouds gathered around slowly obscuring the sun from view.
The rooftop began to stink.
Was I really…dead?
It was an empty street and an early Sunday morning.
Most people were indoors cooking eggs or having morning sex.
I could be cooking eggs and having morning sex right now.
I could be doing anything right now besides being dead.
I couldnt remember why I had chosen to end my life.
Why, why?I racked my brain, grasping at the remnants of my weak memory.
Children still suffered in war-torn countries and people still died of incurable diseases.
Still, it wasnt enough reason to want to kill myself.
Yet, it wasnt enough reason to want to kill myself.
The same watch was still fixed on my hand that was now broken beyond repair.
The watch had survived the brutal fall and seemed to be working fine.
I couldnt recall how it had happened.
A cat approached my lifeless body curiously.
It looked at the barely recognizable crumpled mess with an expression of mild interest and slowly nudged it.
It had a familiar horseshoe shaped black marking above its pink snout.
I knew this cat.
This was my cat, but my cat was dead.
It had died in an unfortunate and strange accident a week ago.
The love of my life.
He had been drinking the night of his death.
He had been upset.
He always drank when he was upset.
We had been arguing…again.
He had sifted through the contents of my phone and found a text message from an old friend.
He had always been a little obsessive; it had seemed cute at first.
It was all so adorable until it wasnt.
Until I found him sifting through the emails in my laptop in the middle of the night.
Thats why we were arguing, I remember now.
I had wanted out.
I had wanted it to end and he had threatened to kill himself.
He had held up the kitchen knife and bought it dangerously close to his wrist.
I had lied in the moment and agreed to be with him.
He had said he needed to make it official to feel secure.
I had slowly shaken my head.
I shouldve said yes, I shouldve because then none of this would have happened.
His eyes had flashed in a moment of intense pain, and then he had turned around and jumped.
His death had haunted me weeks after he was gone.
My therapist said that I mustnt blame myself.
I told her I didnt love him.
She had said that it wasnt my fault.
I told her I wanted him to leave.
She said that I simply needed time to heal from the guilt.
I told her I just needed time.
I had nightmares every night after.
I could hear his voice sometimes, so eerily close I had trouble sleeping.
I could even feel him climbing into bed, as I tossed and turned in my sleep.
Then I heard it again, right there on the rooftop.The same chillingly familiar voice.
Ive been waiting for you, I spun around and saw him walking towards me.
The blood was still spattered across the same gray fall coat he had been wearing the night he died.
The edges of his body seemed dim and faded, almost as if he was a walking memory.
He was grinning as if it were a happy occasion, smiling widely at me.
He pulled me close and embraced me tightly in his arms.
His breath still smelt of lingering malt whiskey.
Ive missed you so much, he said longingly.
Its all going to be okay.
We dont have to be apart anymore.
Then his lips found mine as he hungrily kissed me.
I pulled away, feeling sick to my stomach.
I looked at the crowd that had gathered around my body miles below.
An ambulance stood by the side but the paramedics didnt seem to be in a hurry.My cat had disappeared.
I thought I was a fighter.
Why would I quit?
I cried over my dead body, my voice breaking as the shock wore off and reality sunk in.
Because were meant to be together, he said, Because I love you, and you love me.
He held my hand, and I resignedly accepted it.
I shook my head sadly, I didnt think it would get to this.
I never imagined I would jump.
Oh honey, he smiled wryly You didnt jump.
He locked me tightly in a suffocating embrace.
