I was addicted to trying to convince her I was worthy.
I wanted to look good for the strangers.
I wanted to look cool for my friends.
Megan Forbes
These nights were like, electrically charged.
Everything got an emotion and I loved the thrill of validation, no matter how short term it was.
I loved dressing up like someone that I wasnt at all on the inside.
I loved the attention, I must admit.
But I was young and I thought it felt good.
I thought it was supposed to feel good.
There are times where I am nostalgic for this.
It seems silly to me to miss a time when my emotions werent so in check.
When I would beg people to love me when they never had any intention of doing so.
I would hope with all my might between every text that they would change their mind.
What a game it was.
It never ended either, because it was one I could never win.
And if things were going well for me, I needed to find a way to downplay it.
I couldnt deviate from that script that the world was out to get all of us.
Good breaks for me were luck.
For her, they were earned.
I was addicted to trying to convince her I was worthy.
That I deserved the good things that came my way.
She would brush me off when I confided that people werent treating me right.
She convinced me that thats what caring looked like and I wasnt mature enough to realize that.
I let go once I realized that she was one of them.
I found my worth very closely outside of her opinion.
Itd been there all along.
I was the thing holding them together.
For a while, I was fueled by how important that made me to someone.
Blatant guilt trips no longer wield power over me, and for this I have them to thank.
There was another who I was alwaysalmostgood enough for.
He continued to talk to me like this, despite choosing someone else.
He was always choosing someone else and making me watch.
Or rather, he gave me the option to watch and I never felt like I could look away.
Finally, I just had to choose myself.
I realized out of the two of us, I was the only one that ever could.
I was the most emotional over the one who didnt know what emotion meant.
I was high with nostalgia of a simpler time.
He showed me a life I could only dream of and places that Id never been before.
But he was always trying to convince me I was living too small.
That a stable job and a good home werent enough.
I needed the glamour.
I needed fame and money and more approval from even more strangers.
I needed to lose weight and clear up my acne and write a book to be worth anything.
I needed a $900 red coat to be seen.
The end felt impossible until it wasnt.
Sometimes I can feel the phantoms of their opinions, scouring my online presence.
Looking for a flicker of themselves to prove they had an impact.
Looking for ways that I got it all wrong, I got them all wrong.
But I dont live my life online anymore.
And the thing Ive learned is that I am a villain in each of their stories too.
Im the girl who left without giving them a chance to explain.
I was the one who left hastily and selfishly.
I completely own being that villain.
Everyone is the bad guy to someone.
We all have reasons for who we are and for what we do.
These reasons that I left just happen to be mine.
When they arent trying to change you or hoping that you rise to an impossible standard.
Those are the kind of people that are worth getting worked up for.
Those are the kind of people you dont have to venture to look cool for.
They already think youre cool.
And if you hang around them long enough, you will start to effortlessly believe it too.
