But when I say nothing, I really mean everything.
I say, nothing.
Its the easiest answer requiring no explanation, no response, no fumbling of words or racing heartbeats.
Allef Vinicius
Nothing to worry about.
With nothing, Im safe from saying the wrong thing.
Dont get me wrong I can talk to my boyfriend about anything and everything.
Allef Vinicius
In the five or six months weve been dating, Ive learned that he never judges me.
In fact, he embraces me; both literally and figuratively, every time I open up to him.
In all of my weakest moments, he looks at me as though I can move mountains.
He pulls me up when I feel down and when I want nothing else but to remain there.
Sometimes I just dont want to talk.
Not because I cant or because I dont trust him; I do, with everything I have.
But sometimes, I just dont want to get into it.
I wouldnt know where to start.
I want to go home and figure it out.
I want to write.
I dont want him to worry.
I can take care of that.
Sometimes when he asks that question, Im notthinkingof just one thing.
Because when I say nothing, I really mean everything.
Im thinking about the good things.
Im thinking about how lucky I am to have found him.
Im thinking about the scary things.
About how one day he might leave.
Maybe one day hell realize like all the others, that Im not the one for him.
Im thinking about the sad things.
Im thinking about how clingy I might have become.
Or maybe at times Im too distant.
Im thinking about every wrong thing I could possibly do, what I might say to scare him away.
Im thinking about being careful, not doing anything to deliberately hurt him.
Because he doesnt deserve that.
Im thinking about my feelings and what they might mean for me, for us.
Im thinking about what love is.
What its supposed to feel like.
Because I dont know any more.
Im thinking about how I might say it and when.
How might he react and if he feels the same way.
Im thinking about all of the times Ive wanted to say it but couldnt.
Im thinking about all of the times its felt right.
But I wasnt sure if I was ready or if he would be.
Im thinking about the next time I think about it.
Im thinking about how I think too much.
How I should just live in the moment and be thankful for this.
Its not that these are things Ill never say.
Its that they all come at once.
When I say nothing, I mean everything.
The good, the bad, the in-between of the relationship that has made me believe again.
With him, and us, and everything that took to get us here.
Its far from nothing.
