Im never going to be the confident one.
Thats going to be your most important role.
Anxiety is a part of it.
Twenty 20
The part I attempt to hide.
The part I attempt to live with as gracefully as I possibly can.
The part of myself that doesnt seem to go away.
Twenty 20
The part of myself that explains why I dont sleep at night.
Why Im always picking, tapping something, or biting my lip nervously.
Why I always doubt myself and cant make decisions.
The part of myself that looks like Im always busy.
I need someone who will answer texts quickly.
It seems really silly.
But in the past, Ive seen relationships completely change through simple words across a screen.
Its something really simple.
I need someone who is going to follow through with plans.
Ive learned to never get my hopes up.
Hope for the best but expect the worst.
I need someone who is going to be okay with over-explaining things.
Before I jump to a million conclusions that are unjustified, just explain things to me.
Even if its little details that dont seem important.
You dont have to tell me everything but I appreciate the things you do share.
I need someone being completely honest.
Even if its something I dont want to hear Id rather you be the one to tell me.
I watch things really closely.
I listen even more attentively.
Protect me from being deceived.
So many people in the past have lied and Ive caught them as they backtrack.
And it hurts like hell.
I dont trust myself enough with every thought that runs through my head.
I want to trust you, I just need you to be honest with me.
Tell me when youre unhappy with something Ive done.
Tell me when something is not okay or I shouldnt act a certain way.
Id rather get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.
I need someone who will talk me through my doubts.
I drew this conclusion because of XYZ and it led me to think this.
I need someone who even if you dont understand where Im coming from venture to.
Im going to doubt you.
Im going to question you.
Im going to test you.
But more than anything I just need that reassurance.
Counter the ridiculous things I might come up with and make me feel like the fool for every doubt.
But dont make me feel like I was a fool because the things I was anxious about became reality.
I need someone who will accept my apology.
Im going to say sorry for things that might not even cross your mind.
But Ive created this whole story behind why you could be upset.
Even if you arent upset just tell me its okay.
Tell me its okay when I wake up feeling guilty and hungover.
And when I actually do something wrong and we are fighting about it.
Know Im going to beat myself up for days.
Know Im going to think about it too much.
Know even if you forgive me Ill struggle in forgiving myself.
When you have anxiety you are your own worst enemy.
I need someone who is going to show up on time.
Im always going to show up early to things.
When you have anxiety you hate being late to anything.
The thought of someone waiting for you makes you feel guilty.
I need someone who is consistent.
Consistency is everything to someone with anxiety.
Show you care through little things.
Maybe its something I told you in passing, you remembered.
Show you care through gestures.
People with anxiety pay attention to the smallest of details.
Well remember your favorite drink and confirm we have it the next time you come over.
Well watch that movie you told us you liked on Netflix.
Dont just tell us the things we want to hear that sound nice.
Because anyone can put together words.
Actions will always mean more than words ever can.
I need someone who is going to sit down and listen.
Listen when Im going off.
Listen when something isnt right or Im upset.
Even if I have no reason to be.
Sometimes I just need someone to project all this onto so I can make sense of it myself.
Im not always looking for a solution.
Sometimes there isnt one.
Sometimes you wont be able to fix the problem but sometimes its enough to just have you there.
I need someone who is going to know how to read me.
To calm me down a bit.
I need someone who is going to be patient with me.
Someone who is going to let me take the lead.
Someone who isnt going to pressure me.
I need time to know I can trust you.
When it comes to anyone with anxiety, dont rush things.
I need a confidence boost every once in awhile.
Its obvious there are things Im insecure about.
There are parts of myself I doubt.
But if you heard every ugly comment anxiety said about me, youd get.
Throughout the day Im counting this voice that tells me a stream of lies.
You arent pretty enough, smart enough, good enough, successful enough.
The phrases are on repeat.
Nothing you ever do is going to be enough.
None of your friends like you.
And there are days where I believe these things.
I need you to be the confident one.
Im never going to be the confident one.
Thats going to be your most important role.
When doubts are running through my head.
When things seem perfect.
When nothing seems to be going wrong.
In my head Im going question it.
Im going to doubt it.
Im going to wonder when this might end and knock the wind out of me if it does.
I need you to be the one who is sure.
Because I never will be.
My feelings have led me in the wrong directions.
So I dont trust myself I dont know if I ever will fully.
Because I want to believe in you.
I want to be the partner you deserve.
There are just going to be some moments where you carry me to get there.
