Together, we were two women and two men.
Some days we spoke about being single.
I never thought to label myself in that way, even though those words fit.
Photo byToa HeftibaonUnsplash
Its been on my mind ever since.
What is life as a single woman in her late 30s in 2020 like?
I really love men.
Im a committed heterosexual.
I find men funny and fun to be around.
They can be useful for engaging dialogue and alternative perspectives, opening jars and lifting heavy things.
Plus, they are great ego boosters and loving companions and serve a pleasant side of human connection.
I cant believe the things I used to normalize and put up with.
I have inadvertently reinforced the inequality that underpins men and women and it leaves me feeling furious.
I suspect many women feel this way without even knowing it.
Im not blaming anyone here.
We were both playing out the conditioning of our ancestors.
Ive enjoyed many loves in my adult life so far.
The university love who opened my innocent eyes to a whole new world.
The hypnotic transient loves that I met while on the road.
The safe love that offered me space to rest and reprieve when I was going through big personal changes.
The comfortable love when I desperately needed to feel secure while life moved through some challenging twists and turns.
The test love that came my way to double-check Id really learned my lessons.
I have yet to experience a relationship container expansive enough to hold all of me.
Then, everyone can breathe a quiet sigh of relief: Shes finally been saved.
I know what I want, but it doesnt fit into a recognized framework.
I crave intimacy and touch.
Tender caresses, holding hands, kissing goodbye, making love.
While I havent felt a strong impulse to have children, I at times fleetingly have considered it.
The sweet, devoted sharing of two lives lived side by side.
Full days in bed or at the least in bedclothes.
Furiously typing on my laptop keys in child pose on the floor when I have an inspired idea.
Spontaneous dance parties in the kitchen while spooning peanut butter dipped in honey into my mouth.
At times, I cant imagine finding anyone who wont annoy me enough to give up all of that.
But if youre single, youre unfinished.
If youre content and single, theres something wrong with you.
Hes so close, I can feel it.
I love being singleandI want to be in a relationship.
I enjoy other humans but I dont want to deal with their weird ablutions and habits.
I want to live in a flat by myself with my husband next door.
Then I want my boyfriend to do it.
So, what is it like to be a single woman in your late thirties?
Right now, in 2020 terms, a mix of palpable boredom and preventative ghosting.
