Would it be so bad for me to let myself be happy again?
But I remember the lyrics to this song played over a scene that sent tears dripping down my cheeks.
I still feel them like warm milk down my skin.
Milly Cope
I still remember the way they tasted when they hit my lips.
Hes the big affair I cannot forget.
Ive heard them before in Amy Winehouses voice and in Ella Fitzgeralds.
Somewhere, in some dim room, on some stereo, I swear Ive heard a rendition by Sinatra.
With the wordsOh how I need someone to watch over meI just lost it.
I never thought Id be here.
Im almost a couple weeks shy of 30 and I never thought Id be here.
Its still something to curl into late in the dark.
Sometimes I find myself on my bedroom floor.
Theres something about it that feels comforting and that makes everything feel so still.
On really bad days, I end up spending the whole night there.
Sometimes I fall asleep that way.
Sometimes I end up staring at my fingers in the dark pulling up threads from the carpet for hours.
I always wonder,is this what peace feels like?
I never imagined my heart would be this heavy.
I never imagined I wouldnt have things figured out by now, either.
That Id be stuck in a life that didnt feel like mine.
I never thought Id feel so adrift.
I never thought Id be so lonely.
Some days, all I need is to be held.
Is it so bad for me to want someone to hold my hand?
I thought by now I would have found someone who would do anything for me.
Someone who would love me with and without all that magic.
Someone who would know me and would still want to keep knowing me.
I lost my beauty somewhere along the way.
Spilled it out on my way to here.
I starved it, overworked it, exhausted it, trying to have someone elses body.
It leaked out the cracks of my heart each time I forgave someone I shouldnt have.
It left me each time I stayed in a situation I should have walked away from.
It was stripped from me by the men who took what wasnt theirs.
I let men lick it off my neck mixed into the $165 perfume that wasnt worthy of them.
It evaporated into the silence each time I didnt ask for help.
It died just a little each time I lied and said I was okay.
I dropped little pieces of it everywhere.
Here I am, remembering a song I cant even fully remember, and crying a little again.
I just dont want to feel so alone anymore.
How Im sure I never have been seen by anyone who has laid a hand on my body.
I have no right to complain, no room for self-pity, I do this to myself.
Find comfort in things that hurt.
The truth is, maybe no one sees me because I am too damned skilled at hiding.
It is far too lonely here.
This is a place I want to learn how to leave.
Would it be so bad to remember what its like to feel worthy?
Would it be so bad for me to let myself be happy again?
I do want to give so much to him.
It makes me wonder if Im not as empty as I thought.
I feel myself becoming reunited with some of that beauty I lost.
Thats how he makes me feel.
Like hes someone I can let see me.
Like he would just get it.
Would that be so bad?
Is it crazy to think I may have found a good thing?
Is it crazy to want to let myself have it?
