I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life.
By
Updated 4 years ago,February 14, 2021
And I am absolutely terrified.
I still live at home with my parents in the suburbs.
Photo byRaychanonUnsplash
I am not in love.
I am not dating.
My car broke down last year, and I still cant afford to replace it.
I have lost most of my income, and my industry has yet to recover.
I just got rejected by grad school for the one thing I actually thought I was good at.
I feel more lost now than I think I ever have.
Twenty-five seems like such a faraway time.
I could not tell you where the last four years of my life went.
I have gained so much and lost far more than I ever anticipated.
I have always been more emotional than most people around me could handle.
I have always been complex.
The one that makes you stop and pause and just wonder, Why?
I have carried that teachers statement with me for my entire life.
Someone looked at a sad, scared child and decided that she would never amount to anything.
Someone destroyed my dreams before I ever had a chance to know them.
Maybe this is the reason why I have never been able to find my footing.
Does that make life any easier?
Do they look at those of us wandering through this life and think, They are the lucky ones?
I have always been stuck between wanting to stay true to myself and wanting to make something of myself.
I am too afraid to settle, but I am also terrified of being stagnant.
I have so many interests, but so little drive to pursue any of them.
What good would it do anyway?
I am not an expert in anything.
When I used to picture what my life would look like in my late twenties,thiswas not it.
I should have found success by now; I never thought my industry would be gone.
I made a choice.
I went to college and pursued that choice.
I did my internships; I paid my dues.
And yet, here I am.
Just as lost as the day I started this journey.
I did everything according to plan.
I did well in school so I could get into a good college.
I did well in college so that I could get a good job.
I fell in love so that I could get married.
I worked more than I slept so that I could finally be successful.
And still, I have failed.
And even when I did have everything, I still wasnt happy.
All I have ever wanted for myself was to be happy.
Happiness is not a tangible thing that it’s possible for you to brag about over drinks.
Happiness cant buy you a fancy car or a mansion.
Happiness wont get you any clout.
We live in a world where emotions are treated as a sign of weakness.
Where we chastise a child for shedding a tear and praise them for being stone-cold and brave.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
We dont have to live this way.
And if we dont hit those milestones or check off all of those boxes?
If we deviate from societys prescribed path to success, we have failed.
Some of us make it out, but not all of us do.
We have to do better than this.
This is not the world anyone deserves to grow up in or grow old in.
We are all so vastly different, and it is time that we start celebrating that fact.
Some days, life will go according to plan.
And other days, life will light your plan on fire and laugh at you while it burns.
You are no less successful on your bad days than you are on your good ones.
What we have been taught to see as failures are really just opportunities to have another go.
To do better next time.
I hope you start giving yourself the chance to do better next time rather than just giving up.
I hope the next little kid who isnt afraid to show their emotions is encouraged to keep feeling them.
To anyone else who feels like they have fallen behind in life, you are not alone.
Think back to the first time you ever doubted yourself.
Now imagine that moment happening to someone else.
Would you tell them that they have failed?
Chances are that you would not.
So yo, do not say those things to yourself either.
Let them call you a failure.
Let them think what they want.
Because at the end of the day, your life is about you and your needs.
Your life is about you, so start showing up for yourself.
Even if no one else does.
I may have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life, but I am trying.
And I promise you that is all that matters.
