Im not going to lie.
It hurts like hell, and it probably will for a while.
And then it hit me; it hit me like a train on a track.
Andrew Branch
I cant call you dad.
Its more than a word.
And not one that you could attempt to bend or squeeze or buy your way into.
Its one that has to be earned.
It has to be given.
But you cant give it to yourself, no matter how hard you might try.
Its mine to give, and Im sorry, but I gave it to you one too many times.
I finally came to the long awaited conclusion that I deserve better.
Better than this heart break.
Better than this stomach ache.
Or should I say soul ache?
Because thats what it feels like.
When you lose your dad… its like you lose a little piece of your heart, your soul.
But what happens when you lose something that you never really had?
Now its not just an ache that can be remedied or a missing piece that can be found.
But instead a gaping hole in my heart, that you, you gave me.
And I tell you what; losing something you never had stings with a special kind of pain.
I cant say I lost you, I simply never had you at all.
The absence of my imagined father aches more than the loss of a real one ever could.
You might be wondering by now: Why?
And quite frankly, Im wondering that too.
So here goes nothing.
To the father who will probably never read this.
To the father who will never be a dad.
To the father, who chose women, over me.
When did it start?
I make a run at think back and it all gets foggy.
But youyouve never been a dad.
To any of your children.
For any of your life.
What is it that they have that I dont?
You have two heads and no heart.
And that statement alone breaks mine.
They are to you what I always wished I could be.
They give you something that I never could.
That maybe they just complete your heart in a way that I never could.
But if they make you happy, truly happy, then I think I could be too.
But I cant choke on that lie any longer.
Its not the women themselves, its the sex.
You chose sex, over your own daughter.
You chose the women; because they gave you the one thing that I couldnt give you.
Its kind of funny you know?
How we have arrived at yet another three-letter word.
Those three words I longed to hear, the I love you I needed to know.
Because those three words to me, would have made my world.
Im not going to lie.
It hurts like hell, and it probably will for a while.
It might always hurt, I dont know.
But what I do know is that pain is something I can grow from.
And thats where I am.
And this time, I know its without you.
This world is not made up of coincidences, at least not in my opinion.
God Mother Nature, the universewhatever you believe in, it gives you what you better believe in yourself.
And it never gave me you.
As sad as that sounds, I am no longer sad.
I was for a very long time.
I went through the motions of life wondering what I did to deserve it.
Where I went so wrong.
Wondering why I was so worthless?
Believing at my core that I was unlovable, because the one person I loved most never loved me.
But now I know, I know that if you never were, neither was I.
To the father who chose women over me, you made the worst choice of your life.
It could have been all you needed, and you didnt want it.
And when you let something that special go, it doesnt just come back whenever is convenient for you.
To the father who chose women over me, thank you.
