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Updated 7 years ago,December 6, 2017
We didnt date.
I didnt need that spelled out for me.
I felt it every time I the words just friends came out of my mouth.
Priscilla Du Preez
Suddenly youre at the whim of making irrational choices that can only be justified because you love this person.
People argued it wasnt real love.
They say love is that which is reciprocated.
Priscilla Du Preez
Love is that which leaves you whole and not empty.
That real love doesnt hurt.
I dont think love can be so simply defined.
I dont think its black and white.
Because at the time you were.
Every moment spent together where I envied anyone that took up your time that wasnt me.
I missed you before you even said goodbye and wished I could freeze moments.
We didnt date but I still compared you to everyone I met.
And they always fell short of these expectations I suddenly had in someone.
There wasnt a smile bigger than the one you brought to my face.
We didnt date but I still talked about you like you put the stars in the sky.
Because you really did change my life so much for the better.
I was happy to have your time and attention even if it came few and far between sometimes.
Its the conversation that defines what you are and what youll never be.
The conversation that depletes any hope of anything every happening in a future that will never be.
The conversation that suddenly makes every encounter after that awkward.
Once every card is laid out and everything is talked about there is no hiding how you feel.
Theres no secrecry or wondering.
There is no hope.
And youre overcome with guilt for falling so hard like it was all your fault.
Then you have to get over it.
But how do you even heal and get over someone who wasnt yours to begin with.
If anything it made it worse.
Haunting my in a way.
Found in street corners and gift shops.
When you love someone they dont leave just because you did.
You take them with you.
I realized eventually I was going to have to face this head on.
I was going to have to get over it.
Real relationships have this start and end period.
Concrete dates to look back at of how long its been.
Concrete feeling that were mutual at one point.
But almost relationships just have a bunch of grey areas and nothing defined and lines that drawn and rewritten.
Its games played and mixed signals and confusion.
Even almost relationships cant be maintained if its just one sided and one persons interest.
For any relationship to last even if its just an emotional connection it requires the effort of both parties.
But nothing is ever all yours to own entirely.
But thats love for you.
We didnt date but there were still nights I was crying myself to sleep at night.
We didnt date but there were still moments where Id do anything to numb the pain I was feeling.
We didnt date but everything about him hurt like any other relationship I had actually been in.
Pain does not discriminate.
And it doesnt hurt any less just because you never dated.
Sometimes that factor alone makes it hurt more.
I didnt realize it was love every time those words drunkly slipped out of my mouth with goodbye.
I realized I loved him when all that pain hit me at once realizing what wed never be.
And I watched myself turn into this version I didnt even know nor could I recognize.
We didnt date but I dont think Ive ever experienced pain so badly in my life.
We didnt date but I was barely eating sleeping or functioning because it hurt so badly.
And I had to present it to the world like I wasnt feeling these things so heavily.
I had to face everyone like I wasnt falling apart inside.
I had to carry on like getting through 24 hours was easy.
But the reality was I dismissed myself often to breakdown and cry alone.
And I couldnt talk about it because what do you even say?
Part of you wants to say, I need time to get over you.
I need time to heal.
But then you think thats selfish.
Because the truth is what they taught you most about love is how selfless it is sometimes.
You love someone and you want them to be happy even if it doesnt include you.
