Its the resilience they admire.
Because that moment they do see you at your worst.
They see a strength within you.
Brett J Kelly
By
Updated 8 years ago,October 16, 2017
Living with depression is playing two very different roles.
Half the time you have it completely together.
Youd even go as far as saying youre normal.
Brett J Kelly
You just wish it could stay that way.
You cling to every good day which helps you through the bad ones.
Then you begin dating.
At first, this person makes you really happy.
You almost fear that happiness in the beginning because you know you shouldnt associate people with happiness.
Someone loving you rids depression better than any medication ever could.
So you enter relationships hoping and praying this might be the right one.
When you meet someone new you dont tell them this thing you are fighting.
Instead, you stay silent.
As time progresses you realize there isnt a person that can fix this for you.
When you cant even fix yourself you learn to just function or struggle to function.
Because even in your best moments it lingers.
Waiting to creep up.
Waiting for your best day, then suddenly hitting you late at night.
You go from one extreme to another and you wish that werent the case.
Because there isnt much they can say or do.
How do you explain, I feel alone even though you are standing right next to me?
How do you explain I just had the best day of my life but Im really sad laying here.
They love you for this role you play.
Its about the art of deception.
They fall for this person who is happy and smiling and the life of the party.
Instead of explaining you stay silent.
Because you dont want to bring someone into that place.
Youre overcome with a sense of guilt that you are like this.
This isnt something you chose and you do your best to stay positive but its exhausting.
You dont want them to feel guilty or feel like they are to blame.
When depression surfaces in a relationship you each are overcome with guilt.
They are racking their brain trying to understand it and you cant find the words to explain.
Dont I make you happy?
or What can I do?
You make me happier than Ive ever been.
And the truth is there is nothing you might do.
Depression is the unwanted houseguest that overstays their welcome, making a home within your bones.
Taking over when they feel like.
Controlling you however they choose.
And even when they say goodbye, they promise they will return.
You wish you could lock the door but they always find a way in.
In your head, you think they are staying because they feel bad.
Half of you is this person they admire.
You try a little too hard for this relationship.
You do a little too much.
You invest everything you possibly can into someone because you want to give them a reason to stay.
Because when they finally see you at your worst, you dont want them to leave.
Even if you say you do.
You want them to keep picking you every time.You fear them getting to know all of you.
But more than that you fear rejection.
You fear another goodbye and you just being too much to handle.
You know your flaws so you give a shot to hide them.
Scrolling through a newsfeed and painting this life for yourself.
Your partner admires you for who you are and what you achieve and how much you take on.
If they could describe you in a single word they wouldnt say depressed, theyd stay busy.
Because when you are busy you dont have time to think too much about how youre feeling.
But more than the things you achieve they admire who you are as a person.
Your lack of judgment.
Your ability to read people.
There is something about a person who notices things you try and hide.
Because the hardest battles to fight are the ones within ourselves, the ones we cant control.
Through someone elses love and acceptance, you find that within yourself.
