He enjoys all the freedoms that come with being single.
He wants to keep his options open for meeting another girl.
By
Updated 7 years ago,June 16, 2018
I just cant do the distance, he says.
Unsplash / Allef Vinicius
Its nearly two in the morning in Barcelona, Spain.
We are sitting in a McDonalds waiting out the pouring rain.
Our late-night craving for French fries has been a long time ritual.
Unsplash / Allef Vinicius
The last time we had run in the rain and eaten French fries was two years ago.
Two years ago, when things were perfect.
Ive heard this line too many times before.
He said it last February over the phone.
He said it in May on the boardwalk.
He said it in July while in Maine.
He said it in August with tears streaming down his face in his kitchen.
How many times do I have to tell you that I just want you?
So, I began to write him postcards.
One postcard for every city that I visit while Im abroad.
Thatll be about 15 postcards by the time May rolls around.
I figured that this is as romantic as I can get while not being officially his girl.
I keep thinking that maybe the next postcard will win him over.
I envision us together in the future looking back at the postcards, looking back on us.
Modern love is writing postcards to a guy who doesnt want to be with you.
Its leaving your heart out on a piece of paper and sending it 4,627 miles overseas.
I dont want to make this harder on you.
He turns to me.
I paused for a moment to think.
It has been exactly a year since the breakup.
Its a been a year of chasing.
Its been a year of breaking my heart over and over again.
Ive been doing it for a year, I think I can handle it, I finally spit out.
Modern love is chasing a guy who cant picture himself staying with you through the distance.
The idea that we would make it through college together was shattered.
I had planned to attend a graduate school close to home, close to him.
I had wanted to make it work, when he just wanted out.
I havent met another girl like you, he says to me.
I want to scream at him.
I want to say, So stop looking!
Im right in front of you!
I feel like Julia Roberts standing in front of Hugh Grant.
I was just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
I wanted the fairy tale.
I wanted to be the girl who got swept up by the boy.
Were close enough that we could kiss.
His clear blue eyes are sparkling and his lips are the perfect shade of pink.
My fingers run through his hair at the nape of his neck as we look into each others eyes.
His fingers brush my skin as he pulls me closer.
Every single fiber in my body is electrified.
No one could deny the chemistry in that moment.
He breaks the spell and rests his head on my shoulder.
There is nothing romantic about this.
In fact, its quite sad.
Here are two people who are so in love with each other, yet they cant be together.
We are Romeo and Juliet.
We are meant to love each other but never end up together.
Modern love is being afraid of commitment and being afraid of letting go.
Both of which, neither of us are willing to do.
We cant let go, but we cant commit.
Its a constant push and pull.
Too afraid to let me go, but too afraid to commit to me.
I miss you all the time.
Ive thought about you every day this week.
I see the fear of commitment in a lot of millennials.
Its most prevalent in colleges across the country.
The guy never wants to commit to the girl hes been hooking up with.
He might not even invite her to his formal.
He becomes cold and distant the moment he catches feelings.
The fear of missing out on other girls becomes a reality too much to bear.
Sometimes its that one of them is about to go abroad.
No one is willing to do the distance.
Who would put themselves through that?
A girl can smell that fear from miles away.
Whether its unanswered text messages, opened snapchats, or days without a single call.
She can sense his distance at every party, which only increases the chase.
While he pulls away, she runs closer.
The equilibrium is thrown off completely.
I just need you to let me in, I whisper back to him.
The majority of our conversations the past few months have been a dance.
We dance around the subject of us.
He cant let me in, but he cant let me go.
I let him in too much, yet I manage to push him away even further.
If I send one more postcard maybe, hell change his mind.
If I tell him how much I miss him maybe, hell change his mind.
So, I keep on writing the postcards.
Each postcard is carefully written.
Its written from the point of view that Im fine and abroad is great.
There is no mention of missing him or missing home.
Theres no mention of I wish you were here.
Love has turned into a mind game and everyone is a player.
He still wants me in his life, he says.
He cares about me more than anyone, he says.
He can still picture himself marrying me one day, he says.
He cant think about the summer yet, he says.
He doesnt know what will happen by then.
If we could do the math and calculate every conversation between us, the math wouldnt add up.
Twenty points is awarded for missing each other.
Then subtract fifty points for every time he mentions the distance.
Add ten points for every time he says he wants to see you.
Then subtract fifteen for when he cuts your time short to see his friends.
Once again, its the push and pull; another game.
Last summer tore you apart.
Thats why your friends didnt want you to see me here.
His voice turns serious.
I shake my head in disbelief.
I am declaring my love and commitment to him and yet, he keeps coming up with excuses.
With each excuse, I feel myself getting smaller.
I dont care what others think about me.
Its my life and my decisions, I fire back at him.
I could feel my heart shrinking.
No matter how hard I fought for us, I was always the one burned out.
Nothing that I said made a dent in the situation.
As I tried to wriggle free, he pulled me closer.
He kissed the top of my head and sighed.
He couldnt let me go.
We fall victim to love.
Were unable to see the greener pasture on the other side.
Were too afraid of the unknown, of not knowing if well ever fall in love again.
I cant let him go without knowing that someone better is out there for me.
Ill never know it unless I try.
Yet, the thought of not loving him anymore frightens me.
I cant picture myself with anyone else.
Im not sure Ill be able to open up again and be accepted for who I am.
Our inner insecurities rise from the ashes and haunt us.
I cant picture him eating French fries at two in the morning with another girl.
We sit in the taxi cab on the way home in silence.
He rests his head on my shoulder.
What are you thinking?
Im losing you, he says quietly.
I am consumed with the all too familiar feeling of leaving him again.
The distance gets the best of me.
I want to tell him that I know his reasoning goes beyond the distance.
I turn and smile at him.
Its a sad smile that knows exactly how this will end.
I shake my head and smile again.
He knows it too, but if I say any more itll ruin the night.
As the taxi pulls up to my apartment, I look at him and tears spring to my eyes.
I pull him close to me.
I miss you so much, I manage to choke out.
I miss you too, he whispers back.
Ill see you in May, I say.
I pull away and get a good look at his face.
He no longer looks like the new man he is.
He is suddenly a young boy.
His eyes are filled with tears and his head hangs low.
He looks at me like hell never see me again.
I know we will see each other.
Ill write him another postcard tomorrow.
Hell call me in a week.
The game of push and pull will continue to be played.
Just as it has been this entire time.
