Take responsibility before you push everyone away.
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Updated 4 years ago,June 25, 2021
Tip: Take responsibility before you push everyone away.
My first ever relationship coach was this incredibly cool woman named Erin.
Photo byLaura ChouetteonUnsplash
She was the kind of woman that everyone wanted to be around.
Everything appeared to come naturally to her.
She had such an effortless magnetism.
My first call with Erin was approaching, and I suddenly found myself increasingly nervous.
I kept trying to talk myself down.
Molly, you wanted to work with her.
You like her, you admire her.
Shes not scary, shes really loving, remember?
I still felt incredibly shy and awkward around her while simultaneously wanting to be in her presence.
Erin was pure love.
She really could do no wrong.
Her essence was unconditional, judgment-free, full of love, kindness, and acceptance.
I didnt know how to be kind to myself either.
She was someone who ended up being a big part of my healing journey.
One day, she saw me and said, Molly, I love that coat!
It was only $20 at TopShop!
See, receiving compliments was challenging.
A lot of focused attention on me, even just for a minute, sent me scrambling for words.
Someone admired something about me?
It was a whole internal spiral I was sent in every time someone paid me a compliment.
The opposite of internal freedom.
It made it 10 times more vulnerable.
Let some of the love in, okay?
In that moment I was slowly dying of embarrassment.
She had called me out and I knew she was right.
It was hugely illuminating as to why all my romantic relationships were exhausting and unfulfilling.
I couldnt even let someone love me when they were actively trying!
It was a heartbreaking realization.
It doesnt mean you should hide away in isolation or avoid all forms of intimacy.
Youre worth investing in to have the love you want and deserve.
Im grateful she so skillfully helped me to see this behavior.
What happens when someone tells you youve done a good job?
Do you contract and withdraw?
What does it feel like in your body?
Tight, nervous, stiff?
Or are you able to stay conscious and say, Thank you!
Its something Im working on.
My commitment is to communicate when I feel that happening and let you know whats going on.
You may need to be patient with me.
It gives them a chance to open a dialogue and stay connected with us through the spot together.
I was finding problems with everything about the room, the night, our drive, and him.
It can be counterproductive to what youre trying to achieve.
The goal is to catch yourself before you get too full and express whats going on.
It requires that you have a really keen awareness of your own experience and internal system.
You are so thoughtful and loving and have made this day so special for me.
For me, I need space.
It might look like going for a walk, doing a workout, or journaling.
Or maybe its yard work, dishes, or cleaning.
Receiving love, attention, and affection is an experience of allowing increased sensation into your body.
Something like mediation or any mindfulness activity is a great first step.
Meditation is a practice of training yourself tostaywith yourself through whatever experience youre having during a sit.
Yoga is also a great option.
The art of learning to breathe and stay through a difficult posture or when youd normally want to fidget.
Remember, learning to receive love and allow others to love you is a lifetime practice.
Its important to remain patient and kind with yourself if its an area you struggle in.
