I have a daughter.
I still think about you.
By
Updated 7 years ago,October 8, 2018
These words.
After years of not speaking.
After years of trying to heal from what happened with us.
He was in another life now, and yet he was calling me to tell me he was sorry.
Ilya Yakover
It was shocking to hear that hed had a daughter.
It was shocking to hear that he was still married to the woman who has my name.
Does your wife know that youre talking to me?
They were at the beach.
Im assuming he meant his wife and daughter.
He said his wife knew of me.
I asked him what hed told her about me.
It was a conversation that would have never happened in another universe.
It was a conversation that I was prepared for, but couldnt comprehend.
Unanticipated, unasked, over five years later.
My ex had these things to say to me after our relationship had ended over five years earlier.
His email said that hed had some things on his mind.
He asked me if I would give him the opportunity to say them to me.
I told him we could talk over the phone.
He was clear with his apology though.
He said it over and over again.
What exactly are you sorry for?
In my mind, memories bubble to the surface, each flashback as biting and painful as the last.
Im sorry if I hurt you, he said.
If I caused you any embarrassment.
We talked about specific events that happened.
If he hadnt taken things out on me.
I hope you dont think that we might have been together, I told him.
In no world would that have happened.
To myself, I think,in no world would I still let anyone treat me like that.
Hed been married for over three years at that point, to a woman who had my same name.
It was hard for me to think that he could see himself with me.
I couldnt imagine still being with him.
For all he was, hed broken me andit felt like at the timeruined my life.
I would have never worn a ring.
I would never look like her.
In no world would I have ever been his wife, his other Jenn.
Do you forgive me?
I can still hear his voice.
I remember the way his teeth looked when he talked.
I imagined him now, standing by the window looking out at his garden, asking me for forgiveness.
Of course I do.
I love you, and I forgive you.
I didnt forgive him because hed done all those terrible things.
I forgave him because Id had to forgive myself for letting those things happen.
He was always going to hurt me.
I was always going to leave him.
This is what I know.
His apology made me feel so grateful despite everything that had happened.
Id never gotten a call like that from any of my other exes.
Granted, this relationship was more toxic than my others, but his apology touched me.
I was conscious of the universe when we hung up that day, agreeing not to speak again.
My ex showed me that forgiveness isnt just for people who come back and apologize.
Its for us, right here, right now, in the universe.
My feelings werent validated by an abusive ex.
I am grateful to have an ex who owned up to his mistakes and reached out to apologize.
I was appreciative to feel what I felt that dayforgiveness and retribution in all its forms.
