Picture a place where you felt safe and secure.
I sat on the small couch across from my therapist, hands clenched in my lap, feet rocking.
It wasnt meant to be a challenge.
Yoann Boyer
It wasnt supposed to be difficult.
But at those words, I felt a sense of panic rising.
I searched my mind; my thoughts began to race.
Tears stung my eyes as I stared down at my whitening knuckles.
I couldnt think of a single place.
I have lived a privileged life.
I could not think of a single place or time when I felt safe and secure.
At the forefront of every memory of all my favorite places was the worry and fear attached to it.
That beautiful spot where I lounged by the ocean on my honeymoon?
Terrified that it would be my last vacation because of cancer.
Overwhelming fear of abandonment in every way imaginable.
The peaceful balcony room on the beach in Tulum?
My own comfortable bed now?
I function by performing a role, putting on a mask of a me that handles everything well.
Even now, I still feel like I am being overly dramatic to call these traumas.
Others have it so much worse.
Why am I making such a big deal out of everything?
I, of course, turned to the internet, searching for further validation.
Avoidance is also engaged so as not to reveal any weaknesses or difficulty to others…
So tough, perhaps yes, but effective, no.
Permission to accept that I have experienced traumas.
Still, I feel terribly misunderstood, and I struggle with suck it up culture.
I know there are people who hear the term anxiety disorder and roll their eyes.
To them, I am a whiner, a complainer, weak.
I simply need to toughen up.
I need to stop being such a sensitive little snowflake.
After all, everyone has anxiety.
Heres the thing: yes, everyone experiences anxiety.
Anxiety is a normal, healthy emotion.
People without any mental health concerns will feel anxious about certain situations.
That can make it hard for those people to understand why others struggle so much with anxiety.
And it can make those of us struggling question ourselves as well.
It had started snowing and my anxiety about driving home was building.
For me, I have all those worries and more on a perfectly clear day of driving.
Every car I pass, every turn I make, my mind visualizes the accident that could result.
Believe me, if I could simply stop worrying about these things, I would.
If it was as easy as deciding to think happy thoughts, dont you think Id do that?
It takes a great deal of effort to stop and redirect these anxious thoughts.
A task that becomes even more difficult when I am trying to navigate while driving.
Yet, I am able to manage.
For some, this becomes so overwhelming that they can no longer bring themselves to get behind the wheel.
This is not only about driving.
I knew my anxiety disorders were affecting my daily life.
I knew they began long before I recognized them for what they were.
That is why I sought the help of a therapist.
Picture a place where you felt safe and secure.
It wasnt always this bad; so I have hope that it can get better.
It can get better.
