But there was something about him that felt safe.
Safe isnt a word Ive used in awhile to ever describe my relationships.
Why I was the way I was.
God & Man
Why I acted the acted.
Why I said the things I said.
Almost like I needed to explain myself.
God & Man
Needed to justify my actions.
Needed him to understand.
Say one thing and do the next.
Read my text just to ignore it.
Then answer when they felt like.
I never wanted to be that person.
So I continue to try too hard.
I do too much.
Its not an easy task not changing when all youve known is pain.
So much so I couldnt decipher lies from truth.
That every time someone hurt me I thought that was why.
I wanted to tell him Im not fishing for compliments when I fumble through changing a million outfits.
Its a process of learning to love myself and it still needs works.
Because the way I love is hard and raw and honest.
And I dont know how to not choose people over myself.
So instead I invest a lot into others hoping and praying they deserve it.
But I wasnt ready for the next step.
And as I fumbled through words he said I didnt have to explain myself or give a reason.
I wanted to tell him on our first date he didnt have to pay for everything.
But I will give what I do have left.
A smile I couldnt control came across my face when he told me he picked up my favorite wine.
I wanted to tell him Im still learning to heal from the past.
The person who hurt me possibly more than anyone else could have.
That I had to forgive him for my own peace of mind and sanity.
I wanted to tell him my heart was his but I feared to be that vulnerable.
So I stayed silent.
I feared being deceived again.
I feared to fall for someone again who said all the right things but didnt follow it with action.
The guy who knew he was attractive and could get away with it.
Its hard to put your faith in someone.
Its hard to put your guard down and not think with every action comes a motive.
Its hard to not be paranoid as fuck.
Someone who is good all the time.
Someone who answers all the time.
Someone who is nice all the time.
Someone who keeps their word.
Someone who doesnt play some social media game of opening your snaps but ignoring your texts.
Then blowing up your facebook and Instagram just because they want to know they have you.
Someone who doesnt have to say sorry all the time or explain themselves.
Someone who actually follows through and doesnt cancel on you last minute.
I wanted to tell him how scared I was of all of this.
