By
Updated 4 years ago,March 2, 2021
I always fear letting someone that close to me.
Close enough that they become a routine.
Close enough that I suddenly build this life with them.
Thought.is
Close enough that suddenly I forget what a life was without them a part of it.
So naturally, I push people away.
Suddenly you meet someone and its so easy.
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Part of you says dont do this, youll get hurt.
Then the other part of you says go, make them yours and dont look back.
You go from having your guard up to trusting them in a way you dont trust anyone else.
You go from strangers to suddenly this person knowing you to the core of who you are.
Then suddenly there is a shift.
Its like everything changes in an instant.
The words its overhang so long and you dont want to believe it.
And you feel completely and totally lost without them.
You realize in an attempt to try and keep them you lost yourself in the process.
Its the text you dont get in the morning.
Its the notification you no longer see even though you kind of want to.
Its the good news you wish you could share.
Its their favorite food you cant even stomach looking at because you think of them.
Its the bad day you wish you had them as your rock.
Stay busy they said.
So you get lost in work.
Go somewhere they said.
So you fake the best smile you might.
But inside its like I cant do this anymore.
Its going somewhere and people ask where they are and you have to explain you arent together anymore.
Its seeing them across social media and you wonder how they make it look so easy?
When youre over here falling completely apart.
Its the thoughts that creep up at night wondering if theyre going to bed alone.
You wonder did you not say I love you enough?
Did I not show it?
What could I have done more?
And maybe the fault is on them but you keep blaming yourself.
And you wonder do they see it?
You wonder are they hurt too?
You walk away smiling but it took everything in you to keep your composure.
Part of you is trying to be the bigger person and because you do hope they are well.
Because all of it feels like lies and you dont know what to believe anymore.
Its suddenly feeling so alone without them.
And they werent just your best friend, they meant everything to you.
So you try and stay strong.
You try not to talk about it.
You try and not let it eat you away inside.
But there is a pain to your soul you cant explain.
It actually hurts to go through the motions.
And youre barely sleeping and when you are, they meet you in every dream.
People ask you how you are and you say fine.
But all any of us want is that person who pulls us in closer because they know we arent.
And they let us fall completely apart.
