You still look for their ghost in the darkness.
You still seek parts of them in others.
When people ask about you, I dont know how to describe it really.
Ana Lombardini
But we werent friends.
I knew that much to be true.
I knew friends didnt look at each other the way we did.
ana_lombardini
I knew friends didnt talk to each other the way we did.
Friends didnt love each other as hard and with as much chaos as we did.
Friends didnt know me to the core of who I was.
Something like that took time.
Something like that took effort.
Something like that took conversations late at night as our deepest secrets were shared only between us.
There is something about the person who knew you before you figured out who you were yourself.
There is something about the people who grew with us.
The ones who made us who we are.
He was one of those people.
But we never dated.
We never were a couple.
In fact, when I bring up his name most people who knew me back then didnt know ourhistory.
And there we were at a standstill but going no where.
Standing side by side but never taking a step forward.
They ask how long it went on and sometimes Im embarrassed to admitI let someone lead me onthat long.
But the thing about almost relationships is there isnt logic to it.
Theres just these really intense feelings things constantly changing.
But you almost become addicted to the adrenaline rush.
If you asked me years ago would we end up together?
I know there were times I truly believed it.
Because he warned me too.
Youre going to get hurt.
But thephysical relationshipdidnt stop there.
The emotional relationship continued.
And with every day it was like adding fuel to a fire that was only causing self-destruction.
But I didnt want to walk away from it.
When you invest as much time and emotion and energy into someone you want to be right about them.
You want it to work out for you.
So you love as hard as you possibly can as if that would have changed things.
But almost relationships arent real relationships.
They are a figment of what you want it to be.
The what ifs that seem like they could be a reality if only.
If only they chose you.
Its the what ifs that haunt you most.
What if you were different?
What if you were prettier?
What if you were more successful?
What if you took that chance when you had it?
What if one day they woke up and realized youve always been it.
The what ifs you learned to stop believing.
The roads you drive down you feel like youll see their ghost just waiting for you.
Waiting for you to pick where you left off.
And you go back to places that used to be yours hoping maybe they are there too.
But then you have to remind yourself they moved on.
Loving someone you know didnt deserve you.
Loving someone who hurt you more than anyone could have.
The past replays in your mind because you dont want to forget it.
But that final moment was different.
Because the words I met someone are just a reminder that it was never going to be you.
The words its over is a reminder that it never actually began.
So instead you stay silent, pretending she doesnt exist.
Pretending someone else isnt getting the ending you so desperately wanted.
Knowing the life you imagined with this person is going to be her reality.
And while shes dancing with him youre dancing with his ghost.
