Because if you wanted me you would have chosen me.
But the truth is it never does.
Every time I get asked this question I have to swallow hard and look away at the person asking.
Istock
Just friends, stings when I say it.
Because nothing about us was ever just friends.
To label us that after everything weve been through would be an insult.
Istock
We werent friends.
When I say we werent right for each other sometimes I wonder if the person believes me.
Because along with trying to convince them, Im also trying to convince myself.
The truth is I dont believe it for a second.
The truth is I still wonder if we are.
There are moments I still think wed be perfect for each other.
Like we still know each other better than anyone.
There isnt anyone who can decode what I actually say or do and read right through me.
There isnt anyone who has ever known me to depth in which you have.
I let you in closer than anyone and it blew up in my face.
So how do I just pretend?
Im living a lie every time someone asks me that question.
I used to believe in you more than I believed in myself.
It was as simple and complicated as that.
There wasnt anyone I loved more than you.
There wasnt anyone I tried harder for.
But the heart wants what it wants and I accepted long ago.
It was either love or stupidity or both.
That I hung onto words and false promises of one day, truly believing it.
Maybe we were never ready for each other.
And maybe we never would be.
We loved each other a little too young.
A little too soon.
Before we even knew what the words I love you meant we were handing it to each other.
I cant blame you for using me or leading me on as you did.
I forgive you for the pain you caused.
You needed someone and I was the one willing to be there.
You needed someone and I would have played any role you needed me to.
But every time that question gets asked it stings a little.
It stings because its a reminder of what we never actually were.
Its a reminder of what we never will be.
Its a reminder that I was just another story in your past.
Its a reminder of my best not being good enough because I gave you all of me.
And if thats love, what I learned was to fear it.
And I hate myself for that.
