Why the hell do I feel like this?
Why do I feel so uncontrollable?
Why do I already feel like a failure?
Tanja Heffner
By
Updated 8 years ago,August 7, 2017
You could say I have it all.
The DC city life.
The book on Amazon.
But the honest truth, is that sometimes, especially tonight…I dont feel like Im enough.
And I dont feel like I have it all.
I feel like a failure.
Tanja Heffner
My mind is programmed to want to be the best.
To want to have the most.
To want to experience the whole universe.
To strive to be a winner.
Or at least, I dont feel like it.
I dont even feel like me.
I just typed to my friend,what the hell is wrong with me?
I dont understand…I should be happy.
I should be ecstatic.
I should be so proud.
But I feel defeated.
I feel less than all my co workers.
I dont feel like Im good enough or smart enough.
When I make mistakes, I cower in embarrassment.
I dont feel like I measure up to anyone.
Why cant I succeed like they do?
What is wrong with me?
Sometimes my anxiety creeps up on me on days where I least expect it to like today.
I had a great afternoon and evening.
I did my work.
I had dinner with loved ones.
But then I walked home and I felt strange.
Like something was missing.
Like I could be someone better.
Like I could do something better.
I recently submitted a poetry book that I have been working on for a year.
But after the adrenaline faded, and the high disappeared, I grew incredibly anxious.
I told one of my closest friends, Bianca, that I shouldnt feel this way.
Why do I care??
And I wish I didnt.
I never wanted to be this person.
This anxious person who cared about her success and her work and her brightness.
But here I am.
Tears are welling up underneath my eyes as I throw in this and I cant even stop them.
Maybe it makes a little bit of sense.
My mother had an eating disorder when she was my age, always wanting to feel in control.
She was a perfectionist at heart.
I didnt need help.
Or at least I thought…
My anxiety is something I used to have control over.
It is flooding my lungs and my brain and my heart.
This is not the me I knew when I was 14.
This is not the me I knew when I was 18.
This is not the me I knew at 22.
But here I am at 24, feeling so out of control.
I dont want to be mediocre.
No one wants to be mediocre.
The thing thats tragic about this feeling right now is that I dont know how to control it.
And I know I work hard.
And I know I do my best.
And I know I put my soul into this book.
I know Im a good writer.
Because I write my truth.
Why do I care so much?
Why cant I just be content with the fact that I wrote 120 something pages about my life?
Why cant I just be proud of myself?
Why cant I just be happy?
Why cant I just relax?
